I have my first round of chemo on the Friday and go off shopping to Tesco's after, next day is Saturday and we go out for a nice curry, i feel this is fine, i can cope with this. Sunday im starting to feel a bit sick and have a funny taste in my mouth. By Monday i need help, my hearing and vision are going, i so need to be sick but can't, i'm seeing things, terrible things, this is awful. There are 1ft wide spiders running over my bed and im so scared, there are men in my bedroom, they have broken in and are hiding behind my wardrobe? i am in a bedroom on my own as hubby still has to go to work, he starts work at 4.30am every day, so is in bed by 8pm so he is in the spare room for now. I feel so alone and scared. I want someone to be in the room with me, am i being a baby?
Monday...... I can see more things in my room, and people in my house, i'm so scared but don't have the strength to call for help, and i don't want to wake hubby as he goes to work so early, then he works a 12 hour day, he needs to sleep, he is doing his 12 hour days, coming home doing the house work, cooking dinner, washing, ironing, feeding the animals, going shopping, etc etc etc , he is absolutely exhausted, but there's nothing we can do. We don't have any other help.
Tuesday ......I start to come out in a massive rash, its so very itchy and sore, its keeping me awake all night, im sweating then freezing. If i open my eyes the room's spinning round so i have to keep my eyes shut. The emergency dr is called, and i even have to do this myself as i'm alone, i can barely talk as my tongue is all floppy and my speech is slurred. Dr comes out and says im having a reaction to the antibiotic the onco gave me to take with the chemo, nothing else he can do. I go upstairs on all fours and put myself back to bed. I so wish my mum was here to help me, this is just awful. I never expected this.
My mouth is now very sore and my mouth and gums have turned pure white? i ring my cancer hospital in Guildford who say this will all pass soon, just bear with it. I ring them again the next day and im crying down the phone to them, i feel like such a baby as there are millions of people out there going through this, and i bet they're not crying. I try to compose myself and tell the nurse on the phone how terrible i feel, she says it will pass, by Thursday it will be out of my system and i will slowly start to feel better she promises. I am now at the stage that i am just laying in the bed all day and night, not moving, not talking, i am in the same position for hours on end as if i move, i'm going to be so sick, it awful. i am now very sore on certain parts of my body, private area's, i just dont know whats going on, but i do know i feel very alone and scared. I fall asleep for 6 hours or more on end, which is a god send to be honest, but i wake up needing the toilet, but i can barely walk, its like walking on a moving floor, i hold on to the walls, but i'm having an accident before i can make it to the toilet. I flop back into bed, i so need help, someone to help me change my clothing, but there's no one here, im alone. i'm humiliated that ive wet myself, and that i'm laying in these wet clothes, but i don't have the strength to get up and get a change of clothes. My family live over 30 miles away and all have their own familie's to look after. I hate this, i never knew it would be this bad, when will it stop. i just lay in bed crying to myself.
