It is now Thursday and nothing is getting better, if anything i feel even worse, now i have terrible diaorrhhea, i can't keep out the toilet. I have crippling pains in my belly and i feel like i'm going to faint. Every thing i do, i do with my eyes shut, so as to keep the dizzyness to a minimum. I'm not eating or drinking now, as i feel so terribly sick, i have managed to ring my hospital again and they have rung my g.p. and told him to give me some anti sickness tablets, but they are not working, not at all.
Hubby is popping in at mid day from work to get me something to eat and drink, i can't eat but i feel so hungry, i weigh myself and have lost one stone in this week alone. i can see the tiredness in my husbands face, he is running ragged as i keep asking him for certain things that i think i might eat, but once he's gone out and brought them, and gives them to me, they make me feel sick. This is costing a lot of money that we don't have.
We have found out from Macmillan that hubby's job is safe if he needs to take time off to look after me, this is the new disability law that has come into force to protect carers, so that is of some comfort to us. But his company do not have to pay him, and they don't, so he cannot take any time off work as we will not be able to manage financially.
Friday..... Its been one week since i had my first chemo, i'm in a world of my own, i'm floating on the ceiling, seeing things, in pain, can't walk now. What on earth is going on, i wish someone would tell me this is ok, it is all normal and i will be alright, i'm so scared i keep bursting into tears. I'm trying to hide it from my 20yr old daughter, who still lives at home, she has just got herself a new full time job, and everytime i see her i pretend i'm fine, but i'm not, i feel like i'm dying inside. I dont want her to witness this, i want her to keep out of my room. She is not coping with my cancer, i later find out that she is going to work and bursting into tears each day, she is so frightened i am going to die, but she keeps all this to herself as well.
I try to eat something as i am so hungry, but i just can't, i feel like giving up now. I'm sorry if some people feel this is all negative, but this is what happened to me, i did not enjoy it, but it happened. And i'm sorry if people feel this is not a good blog to post, but it is my blog, and it all happened to me. So if anyone is offended or upset, i apologise in advance.
I decide to call the hospital once again, again i am crying as soon as the nurse speaks to me, she says one nice thing to me and the flood gates open up. I tell her i feel so ill i'm not sure if i would rather die, sad, but that's how bad i felt. i told her how much weight i have lost, and she advises me to pop myself off to my local hospital just to get a check up, she does not like the sound of the weight loss. I call hubby and he comes home to take me to hospital, but that's easier said than done, i can hardly walk or stand up. I turn up at A & E and there's not a single wheel chair in sight, just typical, so i have to walk in, i'm not meant to be mixing with people that may have a virus so im a bit scared and try to stand away from everyone. My hubby hands that receptionist the card that my cancer hospital gave me should i need to go to hospital, this card explains that i am a cancer patient receiving treatment, and that there is a possibility that i could be seriously ill and that i need treatment urgently and i am not to be kept waiting. These cards turn out to be an utter god send in the end. I sit for a short while and then i am called into a cubicle just like everyone else, a nurse comes to talk to me and again im crying, what on earth, where are all these tears coming from? I know i'm 46, but i so need my mum, i bet lots of you can understand this, hubby doesn't, he's one of those men that does not show any emotion or weakness.
Well this nurse takes some bloody, i have to keep reminding them not to touch my arm where my lymph nodes were removed, as we are never allowed to have needles in this arm again, nor have blood pressure taken from it. My veins are all collapsing and it takes numerous attempts and different area's on my one arm to get any bloody, i feel so ill i dont care where they take it from, but i beg them to make me feel better. whilst waiting for my blood results they give me an intravenous strong anti sickness thing, but again it doesn't work for me, im so lucky lol.
I hear the nurse say to another nurse that my blood results are back, and suddenly i am being rushed along a corridor very fast, ???? I know i'm in trouble when i'm quickly put into Resus, this is for emergencies only, but i don't know whats going on. Too cut a long story short, i have Neutrapenic Sepsis, i think this is like bloody poisening, and its to do with my white blood count or my bone marrow, im totally in the dark about it, but i do know its very dangerous if this count goes very low, and mine could not go any lower. My count is 0.01 ....... I ask the dr if i could die, and she says to me, we hope not, we are doing everything we can. I think, well surely you will just give me antibiotics and i will be ok, but she said it all depends if the infection has got a strong hold on my, i tell her ive not had a temperature or anything, then i remember being so hot and cold at home, oh dear, and i ve forgotten to take me temperature at home, which my Onco told me was very imtortant to do, but i felt so ill i forgot all about it. Again i start crying, its like being trapped in a night mare.........
