I don't come on the site much now - I only visited today to see how Indie was getting on. Somehow ion my new role as 'widow' it doesn't seem to be a suitable place - I don't feel able to give people comfort or support or hope. As I have had pretty violent fits of depression I got some counselling prescribed, as well as anti-depressants, and the diagnosis given by the psychologist (in German) translates as 'having problems adjusting'. It's apparently common in carers after the death of someone they have cared for over a longer period of time.
Then I come on here, and read about Indie, and the whole thing comes back again. And I know - I don't want to adjust. I don't want to go back to the life 'before'. I don't want to slide back into everyday life, being careful, normal. Sometimes it takes the death of someone close, or the threat of it , for us to realise what life is. Perhaps that is the real message behind 'Jesus died to save us all'. ( I am not religious). Life is here, now, what we have today - not tomorrow. We have to appreciate it, use it, and make sure our fellow travellers, whether affected by cancer or not, can get the most out of it every single day.
I don't care if people are going to call me that 'mad old English woman' or not. If it pleases me to dye my hair pink I will, especially if someone else can laugh at it. If I want to ruin my liver with gin I will - it's my liver. As long as I and my friends can enjoy it. I'm not going to argue or quarrel with anyone - life's too short. I'm going to be a hedonist if I can in my old age. Who knows how long it will last, and alone it's no fun anyway.
So, my friends, get out and enioy what you can. Don't feel guilty about it. You owe it to my Markus and all the others who have gone or are going. Live and enjoy life for them, as well. They'd want you to.
