I visited John's grave today for the first time since the funeral on Monday. It's only been five days but most of the flowers were flattened and blemished from the rain and nibbled by slugs. However, my simple sheaf of Arum Lilies were almost perfect and, maybe I'm being silly, but I took it as a sign that our love goes on. We'd arranged for a simple vase to be sunk into the ground and I placed a dozen red roses in it for my darling man - I hope they stay as fresh as the lilies.
I found it very emotional to be there even though I knew that his spirit had long flown away and the grave is just a symbol of what he meant to me. I have purchased the plot right next to his so that, one day, we will lie side by side with an oak tree looking over us. The oak tree isn't even planted yet but that's what I've chosen because he used to laugh at me for hugging them on our country walks. They will plant it this Winter.
I wondered whether he and Smiffy, our old dog whose ashes I'd placed in John's coffin, were looking down on me and smiling - I hope so.
Afterwards I walked around a bit and sat on someone's memorial bench (can't remember whose) and thought how peaceful it was there, with the wind blowing in the trees and the birds singing. I knew then that we'd made the right choice.
I still miss him so much. I watched the X-Factor tonight and missed his comments on all the acts. Then I had a little tear because Doc Martin begins again next week and he used to love that programme - it won't be the same watching it without him.
I'm sorry to go on. I feel a bit guilty because I seem to be taking more than I'm giving to this site at the moment. Maybe, after my holiday next week, I will feel more like participating in things. Please know that my heart goes out to all of you and I hope to be more like myself very soon.
Love you all. x x x x x x x
