Family Problems :0(

1 minute read time.

As some of you know, John is in the MacMillan Unit receiving palliative care to get his pain and sickness symptoms under care.  He's been in for over a week now but will hopefully be coming out on Monday.

As if this isn't bad enough, I am having problems with his family.  We aren't married, although we have been together for a long time and own property together.  We also have Wills and Powers of Attorney in place.

I tell you this because his oldest daughter is questioning my right to be named as next of kin.  She thinks John'son should be named as his next of kin even though he hadn't visited in more than a year until John was in Bournemouth Hospital recently.  When he did come, he stormed out because his youngest daughter burst into tears when her dad was so ill.  He called her a drama queen and we haven't seen him since. 

The oldest daughter also keeps banging on about what his last wishes are and when his youngest daughter told her that he wants a woodland burial, she poo pooed that idea.  She thinks the Roman Catholic priest at the church she attends should come to visit him.  John is no longer a practising Roman Catholic, nor does he have any particular beliefs.  He has made it clear that he wants the woodland burial and that he wants us to be interred together. 

His youngest daughter has been an absolute star during the past couple of months.  She has asked for, and been granted, indefinite compassionate leave from work and comes to see him every day, bringing food and helping out every way she can.  His oldest daughter on the other hand has hardly been near him. 

I can't bear all this squabbling.  It's really getting me down trying to keep the peace and keep it from reaching John's ears.  He's so ill and so upset about not seeing his son too.

I and his youngest daughter have both tried texting his son to plead with him to visit but have not received a reply.  What more can we do?

Hope all this makes sense as I am so tired (again).  Would welcome your opinions and usual words of wisdom though.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Madge (not sure if this is your real name!)

    I really feel for you. You have got enough to cope with without all this family squabbling. The only thing I can suggest is how about you or John's youngest daughter going to see him and trying to mke him realise how much his Dad wants to see him. I am not sure if this is possible but it might be worth a try. I am pleased you still feel able to post on here as I am sure you have a lot of friends who will be thinking of you and wishing you and John well. I hope maybe someone can come up sith some more ideas for you.  I hope John manages to come home on Monday and you can spend some time together in your own home.

    Sending my love and will be thinking of you.

    Lynxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Dear Madge im so sorry you have all this to contend with aswell as John being so unwell..((hugs)) I wish i had some helpful words of advice but I could only think of maybe you writing Johns son a letter, he will have to read it and you can say so much more than in a text message..pour your feelings out for John and if he ignores that then he will have to live to regret it..sadly.

    Im glad Johns youngest daughter is being so kind to you both, let her do anything she wants to help you both Madge.

    At the end of the day you are Johns partner and it doesn`t matter whether you are married or not. You both know how much love you share between you. I dont really feel that Johns son would have much of a say in anything regarding the property you and John share. The law will be on your side im sure.

    I know its hard Madge but please try to stay strong for you and for John..and as sad as all of this is its you who knows what Johns wishes are and you will carry them out for him I know.

    I really hope that you can have some special time for you both in your own home.

    Please remember Madge that you are the one who is doing the right thing by the man you love. His son and eldest daughter will have to live with their regrets.

    Much love scarlet xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Madge,

    Pretty sure I do not have any words of wisdom, but maybe I can share my random thoughts ? It seems some people rejoice in hurting others when they are feeling bitter. Sometimes a simple family disagreement  gets blown out of proportion, people become entrenched in a position, too proud to back down, too stubbon to forgive.

    Sadly the truth may only dawn when its too late to say sorry or I love You. What children forget is that their parents sacrificed living standards, financial security  and a large chunk of their lives for their kids. What ever has happened in the past is gone, no one gets yesterday back - what is important is make today special, something to remember fondly, not just a day to subject others to pain.

    Not trying to bring you down but in some cases you have to accept some people are a lost cause, legally it looks like you are in a strong position, having Wills and Powers of Attorney in place. I am glad you have his youger daughter on side so some day to day family support

    All you can do is hold the door open, if they prefare to not walk through its hard and they will live to regret it in years to come, but you have enough to contend with, Know John is Hurting, but do not take on their guilt please.

    Hope John does come home on Monday and that the pain and sickness is under contol and you have quality time together, build some 'Good Memory Days'

    Love and Hugs Mate

    John xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hello Madge,

    I agree with what has already been suggested and said, but I do know how difficult this situation can be. I'll just confirm what has already been said in that, as you already have Wills and Powers of Attorney in place, there will be nothing that John's son or elder daughter can do to change his wishes and I'm so glad that you and his youngest daughter get on so well and that both of you are more concerned about John and his wellbeing and peace of mind than squabbles.

    As already said by others, unfortunately John's difficult daughter and his son may only realise when it is too late that they should have put their own feelings to one side and consider their father and his feelings. I hope that they "come round" before then, but if they do not, it is not your fault Madge. You have already done more than most people to try ensure John's "children" have the opportunity to spend as much time as they can with their Dad. I know it's getting you down Madge, but don't beat yourself up over this and try to put it to one side now and make the most of some quality time with your John when he comes home and I hope that happens on Monday!

    Take care Madge - thinking of you. Love and hugs, Rose x x x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hello Madge

    Families love who'd have them, We had a similar situation many years ago with my ex-husband and his dad. For some reason they stopped talking then many years later "H" became very ill and had a few ops but sadly lost his fight. My ex only made one visit to his dad while he was ill and then it was too late. Again an older daughter stepped in with his wishes and what should be done as if she would know as she had never been in contact for over 20 years,

    The legal side of things sounds as if your covered, maybe its guilt that keeps his son away and maybe a bit of the same with his eldest daughter but  with his youngest daughters continued support and John going back home tomorrow you will ride this damn awful rocky road together.

    May you all have many days of making happy memories.

    Big hugs Madge John and Daughter

    Shaz  (((((((((XXXXXX))))))))))