Today I realised I have been holding my breath for the past four weeks - and was able to breathe properly again. We met with our oncologist and got the staging results - T3/N0/1/M0 - and know that the plan now is chemo and surgery and then more chemo - I can now allow myself to believe that we can beat this thing and come through it - I know life will never be quite the same again - its always going to be there lurking around in the background sending out its insidious little messages and provoking fear and doom in our hearts but today we were handed the best possible news we could have in the circumstances and a fighting chance to deal with it .
So why do I feel as I do ?! I think because I had put myself into some place where the hurt could not get to me and not allowed myself to believe that things could be ok - because that would be tempting fate and because I dont get to keep the people I love - and today the shell I had grown broke and I broke a bit with it - but its ok I think to feel like that - the gamut of emotions that this whole thing has provoked has been exhausting but its good to feel more like me again .
I am going to give going back to work next week a go - bit anxious about it - its stressful and at times quite emotional working in a gp surgery - a lot of illness and inevitably death.One of my roles at work is as end of life co-ordinator - I will certainly bring something to that post that I did not have before. But I also feel the longer I am away the harder it will be to go back and its coming up to five weeks now - and also I am not the sick one.
Chemo will start next week - and have some concerns about how sick - if at all that will make him - how best to help him through it - is this going to change him - but I know no two people are the same and we will just have to take it a day at a time and deal with it as best we can.
I feel a bit selfish worrying about things like that when I know some people have not had the encouraging sort of news we have had today and are feeling much less hopeful - which is why I tend to use my blog rather than the forum for some of the things I feel - its still a sounding board whichever way you go.
But as I said today was a good day - the oncolgist has told us to get on with planning our wedding and indeed I shall - I hope good days find you all too - you surely deserve them.
L xx
