What a lovely weekend we had - daughter home from London so had all my three daughters plus new grandaughter around me. Weather was fine and we had a lovely time sampling wine and cheeses at Sharpham Vineyard and for the first time in weeks I slept the whole night through ! Nielsen needed to have "a talk" with me - oh how I dread that phrase - but it was ok - he just wanted to say how worried he was at the frenetic way I have been cooking and cleaning and just generally turning myself inside out to take care of him - says I looked after him so well before and truly dont need to do any more and he can see the cost that this is having on me and it worries him in terms of its long term effect - kind of get what he is saying but also know that taking care of him in the very best way I can is at the moment all I can do and itg makes me feel better to do it - progressed to say that the best thing I can do for him the thing that would really help him would be for me to just be "me"- the me that I was before "the beast" arrived - that would actually be really hard as dont know who I am any more - the people we used to be have been irrevocably changed - not hugely, not blindingly, but changed nevertheless - how can you not be ? Anyway I have tried to calm myself a little - taken on board what he has said - and there is indeed more of a sense of normality and reality in my life as a result.
Big day tomorrow - MDT meeting to review all the tests we have now had - we shall then meet with our specialist nurse of wednesday to see what will be. We are both aware are feeling anxious, that churning tummy feeling is back and I guess till we know what they have found it will remain. Have been off work for four weeks now and need to get back soon - such a difficult environment to work in (GP surgery) when you are so worried about your own loved ones health but on the other hand have worked so very hard to get where I am and dont want it slipping away - luckily have fantastically supportive employers and colleagues who are all there for me - so am thinking about going back next Monday - if I cant do it then I cant - but should probably give it a try.
But for now the only thing I can focus on is tomorrows meeting and the implications for us - lets deal with that first. My lovely man is facing it with his usual strength and fortitude. Cometh the moment .......................
