Its so strange how you can almost - almost - forget about the cancer - just for a while - whilst we are in this limbo-like state and just waiting - for results - for treatment plans and Nielsen is actually feeling quite well - we have been out and about, walking in the sun, having meals, seeing family and friends - and sometimes - not for long mind you - I can forget this nightmare place I find myself in most of the time - and we are just two people who love each other and are planning their wedding, talking about buying a camper van and the new grandchild and we are just us again without the third interloper in our lives. Then suddenly comes a phone call - hospital appt. overnight stay - looking for - for what ?I torture myself - of course you know for what - looking for more disease - and what if they find it ? what then ? Well you deal with it - thats what. One day at a time, one step at a time. And so back down to earth I come - bang - there it is again - the churning, the inability to breathe properly, the horrible helpless voice screaming inside my head - the black dogs sitting howling on my shoulders - so stop - stop listening to the voice - unless it says something you want to hear - kick the dogs off and find a couple of sympathetic angels - and remember you are not alone in this - and as you reach out you will be found and held.
