I feel so very selfish! I had not really been around mum since they told her she had pancreatic cancer, then I took her to hospital for appt and went home and spent night there. I can't lie I was so glad to get back to my happy husband and my daughter who doesn't realise how bleak mums prognosis is. I tried to do things around the house for mum but it's just the same as when she was well, I can't seem to do anything properly. I'm not a messy or dirty person I run my fairly large house and family with no probs. when I'm in the presence of my mother I don't feel good enough! I shouldn't be concentrating on things like this as I don't know how long she has got left! If it was me sod the house work I'm getting aa pedicure and sit in the sun. Easy to say though as its not me. I don't know how I'm going to cope with out any parents. I'm not young I will be 35 this year but I feel younger than that. I would love to hear from others in all situations.
FormerMember
Hi there,
Mums often seem to somehow make their daughters feel inaduquate. Don't know why, but you are not alone on that one! . I could never really do anything right for my mum. I think it might be a sense of needing control or feeling needed or useful or something....
Don't feel selfish. It is a wasted emotion along with guilt. I spent years feeling guilty. It did no good, nothing changes. If doing the housework etc is stressful then take her out for the day instead. Neutral territory too... do something you both enjoy that has a bit of a distraction such as visiting somewhere so you can be together and enjoy the time together.
You will cope without your parents becasue you will. We all find inner strength to cope in difficult situations somehow.
I lost both of mine young. . My dad deied when I was a teenager and then my mum got cancer 2 yrs later. she fought it for a long time but died too. I thought my hear would shatter and I would not cope, but you do. Of course there are days when it is hard, but she taught me that life is for the living and to live life to the full and not dwell on sadnesses of the past. Good advice I reckon. It is an odd one becoming the 'next generation' and you feel like you have to grow up a bit, but its ok. Other family move in around you and close the circle a bit tighter.
It will be a hard journey, but you will walk it well and on those days when you stumble, we are here to give you a hand up and walk with you for a while.
Little My,
Thanks so much for your words, I know I will be ok but I also know how much pain me and my daughter will go through to get there. Your reply enabled me to cry a little (I keep everything inside normally). I feel less tense for that.
Luv jo x
My parents didn't die of cancer - my father had a stroke and died of it three years later in a care home, and my mother died in her sleep at the age of 94 - but I managed to make myself feel thoroughly guilty over both of them: was I visiting them enough, could I do more, could I have been a better daughter?! Really, I was beating myself up over nothing. You do what you can do, and nobody should expect any more.
As for coping - as LM said, you will do, because you have to; if not for yourself, then for your own family.
*hugs* to you, and I hope things get a little easier for you.
I lost my mother when I was eleven and just after I had been diagnosed with cancer I lost my father.
When I lost mum I was so young I never really understood what had all gone on, although it didn't stop it hurting and stop me missing her, but when I lost my father I thought my heart would break and indeed it did, because he was a very special man who had given up a lot of his hopes and dreams to bring me up the best way he could and I never really got to thank him before he died, I wish I could have a moment with him now just to say "thank you".
There are many who will hold your hand along the way, its all part of life.
Glad you feel less tense. Though i don't like the idea of making you cry!!
Try not to anticipate the hurt... things are usually not as bad as you imagine them to be and you always cope better than you think! Also, you will be sad at the time- don't do double sad now!!
Just enjoy the time you have with your mum and make sure you make happy memories to look back on- so no housework to be criticised eh?
I wish you a time of happy memory building and then a swift time to when you can look back on those memories and smile. You will get there one day, I promise.
