Deri had a BRILLIANT birthday yesterday (Sunday) ! :)) Cake and playbarns and presents, and just much fabness. Some great pics LOL! She loved her day and her fun and her gifts :))
Today, a friend who lives in America, asked me about whether or not illness can cause isolation at all, in any way... she asked this after I sent her that spoons link that Hils posted - see how useful it was Hils? :)
Hmmm....... isolation... on some levels, yes, absolutely. Because
friends/family/partners etc can sympathise, and try to help, and be
loving, and get upset for you, or feel helpless and try to be useful,
but if they haven't got, or had, what you have, then none of them can
''be'' right IN there with you, they can't take it away for you, nobody
can stop the occasional and out-of-the-blue grip of panic, or brief
moments of sadness, or surges of anger at 'why me' that can appear ... I
have now got my head around the fact that 3 cycles of chemo didn't
magically make my lumps disappear, that it's likely to need 6 cycles.
The other 5 day option they mentioned still freaks me out.
And I noticed this weekend, that the right hand side of my neck is firm and slightly swollen again... is that due to me drinking alcohol last Sat and this Sat night? Or is the stubborn lump playing up? Or is it just part of the process? Will I be ok in time for Xmas? Will I be weak and feeble over the holidays? If chemo continues through Dec, I am due the day before Bronwen's birthday - how crap is that?? I may ask if we can tweak the dates! How can I have no spoons available on the day of my daughters birthday? Fuck off cancer you bastard!
And people will say, oh. she'll understand, and at least you'll be there even if you're in bed, and she won't mind, and we'll take her out for you etc... but, part of her WILL mind, because her mum will be poorly and I WILL mind because how fucking unfair!
And I have been positive, and thought good thoughts, and laughed at it,
and stopped smoking and not had even a glass of wine since August, and
eaten broccoli and tomatoes til they come out of my ears, and given up
sugar too!
And having found the Macland has been fabulous, coz everyone here is living what I'm living, and we make silly jokes ehich others may wince or frown at, and we KNOW what we
all mean when we describe 'stuff', and we all cheer each other up, and well, YOU all know how bloody useful it all is!! And I'm lucky coz my 'real world' friends have ALL been
amazing too! Nobody has been awkward or weird, they have all just rallied
around and been SO supportive. I have been flooded with offers of support, help,
assistance, shopping, childcare, food, hypnotherapy even!
And you lovely lot, well, I am LUCKY to know such top notch folk like YOU!! :))) AND, another weird but very nice side-effect is that I actually met one of my Macland friends in person, (added bonus she brings her own sausages) and will do so again when we can both manage to be awake/mobile on the same day LOL!
It is the most surreal experience of my life. I am blessed to have you
all. I am lucky that the cancer I am dealing with is not terminal, can
be treated, that I have the personality I have too I guess, I am
sure some others cope worse or better, but I'm doing ok so far!
But, I'm not brave. People have said that I am, but, I have no choice. I
HAVE to get on with it! So I am. Some people have said I'm an
inspiration. That made me cry. And I didn't know what to do with that! You don't know how much you can deal with
until you're dealt your hand, you think??
I want to be well, I want to well soon, and I know I WILL be, but I can be impatient!! ;)
You know what annoyed me the other night? A chap I know from Glanusk,
very nice in lots of ways, asked me how I was. I said I was doing well
thanks. ''Good girl, that's the way" Good girl??!! I know, I know, he
meant well, but really!?!
And, I'm bald, it doesn't suit me, I'm not cute or sexy or quirky being
bald! I have a double chin, I'm curvy! And, my neck is still misshapen
from the lymphoma. I don't hide, I don't usually feel self conscious,
and I am sure most people don't give a sh*t LOL! But it screams
''cancer!'' , you can't pretend like you can with fibromyalgia :)
Did that answer my friend's questions?? :) I don't know, maybe it did, but it was a good opportunity to have a rant ;))
Oh, one more thing ....................... THANK YOU!! Because, all my friends, old and new, near and far, are helping me get through all this so much more easily, and I will always be immensely grateful for that.
(and if you got this far, well done for not nodding off!!)
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
