This seems to be where my worry lies.
There’s lots going on in the now which needs attention. Cancer at this point in time is all absorbing. I think and wonder about our future and I don’t think they are concerns I can really share with Jay.
We’ve been together for almost 29 years and I cannot see my life without him. We know his cancer is aggressive and we know treatment and surgery has/is as aggressive as possible too but what that means for the future, I just don’t know. The oncology team have copied us in to letters which have paragraphs of acronyms and abbreviations about spread likelihood of recurrence. Usually my nature would be to unpick all this to fully understand what we’re up against but, in honesty, I’m not able to deal with that at the moment. So my brain just wonders.
We saw an old couple walking together as we drove in for radiotherapy yesterday and joked about that being us. I knew what we were saying was strangely guarded and I looked at this couple and felt jealousy. I want that time and opportunity for Jay and myself but don’t know if it will come. I never thought before it wouldn’t. We’ve loved talking about the future, making plans. But what now?
I can’t comprehend the thought of life if he wasn’t here with me.
