Have you ever woke up in the morning and thought "Why me?"
I do it every single day cos for 40 yrs my life has been total and utter crap.
From being sexually abused for 20yrs from the age of four to violent relationships.
Having Fibromyalgia for 28yrs,M.E for 3yrs and now living with breast cancer and going through all the treatment that goes with it.
One day somebody might cut me a bit of slack and say " OK Sian, ya been through enough now,how about we let you rest and live a normal life?"
Lol a normal life I think my body and mind would go into shock not having something to fight about.
What is a normal life?
Does anyone out there know?
In fact what is normality,who is normal?
We all have our problems one way or another.
How many of you actually can truthfully say they are happy with themselves?
I know I'm not, I have faults,ocd,I don't like what's looking back at me in the mirror.
I see myself as used goods,not worthy of anyone loving me because of what I have been through and seen in 43 years.
I could write a book about my life.
People have said to me if they had been through what I have been through they would have ended their lives.
I get asked all the time,how do I cope?
I cope because I have never known any different and I can be so blasè about it.
Psychologist's have told me it's because I can disassociate me from myself.
I argue with them at times telling them they are book taught where as I'm life taught.
Nobody can tell you what things are right or wrong unless they have been through it themselves and even then you can only say you understand because everyone is different and feelings inside are different.
Life does suck but even though I'm fighting these illnesses especially the breast cancer.
Waking up sometimes wishing I didn't but plastering my smile or wearing my "I'm ok" mask where behind it I'm just hollow inside but acting all is OK.
When things like this happen you become a great actress/actor deserving an Oscar for an outstanding performance.
Keep smiling all.
Feel free to talk to me.
Xxxx
