Well third week back at work and fast approaching 2months since the death of my beloved husband. I still struggle to sleep i did think going back to work would make me tired, it has achieved that but as soon as my eyes begin to close my mind and body jumps to alert and races through like a whirlwind. I have managed though to get upstairs, after so many months of sleeping downstairs as my darling husband couldn't make it upstairs. I still feel closer to him down here sitting on the sofa but I had to force myself to make the move to going to bed in a more'normal' bedtime routine.
In many ways it is good to be back to the daily grind of going into work and teaching, but I often find myself in a bit of a daze or just standing in the staff room eyes glazed over shedding a few tears. I don't know where the tears are coming from, well I do but the sudden bursting into tears is still shocking, and sometimes my friends at work have not even said anything to spark them off. I have spent time analysing why it might be happening ( well this is a change from analysing data) and tried to change my routine at times when I would have text or rang my husband when life was different before the illness and before the massive loss but that not worked too well as I still check my phone as I leave in the evening, or plug the handsfree kit in to call and say I'm on my way home.
Then there is the coming in from work to the children starving even though they have ploughed their way through half the contents of the kitchen, fridge and freezer. So most nights they have eaten or are in the process of eating by the time I get in so I sit with a coffee and chat to them about their day and what they have been upto, my daughter then does her home work, goes to bed, I then start my paperwork and before I know it I realise I need to eat so grab a sandwich good job I have started to have a cooked meal at work as I can't see the point of just cooking for myself when I am late home. Hmmm that makes me seem like a bad mother I do cook and care for my lovely children most days just the couple of days when I have meetings my 17year old son takes charge in the kitchen for himself and sister so they can sit together and eat at a more reasonable time and I can relax with them when I come in and have a bit of a giggle with them.
I am not looking forward to the next couple of weeks as I know it will be 2 months and time is moving quickly and as much as I want to turn the clock back to happier days when we were all together as our happy family unit I know I can't do that. So the longing to hear his reassuring voice is so strong at the moment it hangs in my daily routine and I know he will be cross that I am not taking control and facing things like I would normally.
Feel like a bit of a moaner in this blog but I guess that is where I am at at the moment I'm angry that our life is not as it should be for the sake of the family and tired and emotionally drained because I do feel like I miss him more and more each day and annoyed when people say it will get easier in time and I can'rt see that right now.
Well moan over and I feel a little more at ease since my rant but I do apologise and hope wish everyone on here love courage and best wishes x
