Day 34 lost for words...

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

23 Aug 2011

Just had a fantastic phone call from a friend from work, the thought of going back to work has been playing on my mind and with the new term starting next week I am dreading walking through the doors. I know that everyone will be supportive and concerned, but it is this concern that worries me, I will find the sympathy and people's fear of saying the wring thing a struggle. I am still me all be it on my own, I still want to work, do things and be who I am yet I know people will be worried about upsetting me and feel like they don't know what to say other than I'm sorry for you loss, it must be so difficult' blah blah blah.

I'm trying to piece back my family and part of that is going to work and doing what I trained for 3yrs for. Yet how do I explain this without sounding like I am being selfish and not respecting my darling husband? I worship him more than anyone will ever know and miss the banter we had together, coming home from work and chatting about our days as we sit for our family meal, so this is yet another first hurdle I need to get through and the fear of this is first is mounting on a daily basis as the day draws nearer and nearer.

I seem really cold and heartless when I know all people want to do is show me kindness and support, but the support I really need is not here and I don't know how to accept other people's support? When people say to me I'm so sorry for your loss what am I expected to say back, so I thank them and then there is this awful silence as people then struggle to find the words to say next. I try my best to fill the silence but it hangs there me knowing that they are struggling to see me as me, rather than that poor soul who has lost her husband and we no longer know what to say to her.

Do you think this makes me selfish or cold hearted? How do other people cope with the 'sympathy' and 'silence' after the sorry for your loss statements? Is this a normal reaction? All these things I would normally have spoken to hubby about but not having him here makes me question my reactions about everyday things, decisions I have to make, my reactions to things and makes me realise with shocking reality how much I have lost.

I hope that who ever reads this is well and I send my love and best wishes to everyone who uses the site as ever x

FormerMember over 13 years ago

It doesn't make you cold or selfish. It just means that you already know that people are sorry for your loss and although they are sympathetic, it doesn't change a thing and right now you need all your strength and emotional wellbeing for you and your family to go forward and can do without the constant reminder that things have changed.

So having said that it's time to take those steps (even if they are tiny ones) to continue forward.

Hugs and best wishes

Helen xxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Picturesofu.Youre not selfish or cold hearted at all.I think everyone would feel the same...no one knows what to say.I suppose it will be what you said..sorry for your loss or how are you coping.It will soon settle into normality,hopefully.I hope all goes well.HUGS!!!
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi

I know and feel exactly as you do i am going back to work next week when the new term starts after being off since last Oct and the thought makes me feel sick.I could quite happily stay at home forever as I love being around all my husbands things,he died in March and my house still looks like he is still here even his toothbrush is still in the glass in the bathroom.I know I have got to make this step as Tom would be so cross with me if I didn't make a new life for myself the trouble is it is a life I do not want to make.I will be thinking of you next week and hope that we both manage to cope with the next step.

Marianne.xx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Marianne, even though I have made some major changes in my home ~ new bathroom as we had planned together and used the tiles we brought after his chemo in March, alot of other things remain untouched. At least I managed to get rid of the last cup of coffee I made him before it turned green, but his mug was then placed back on the table next to his chair. His clothes I have put into his wardrobe and sealed so I know if anyone attempts to get in and touch his things even though it is just me and the children at home and they fully understand the need for me to 'protect' his things. I am sure some people think I am keeping our home like a museum to him but to be honest I couldn't care less what they think, it is still our home, it is still the place where we laughted, shared happy times and sad times, shared meals, family time, rowed, kissed and made up, and told each other we love each other it is built on our happy memories and it is the place I held him as he died. So I understand what you mean about keeping things in there rightful place. Good luck next week on your return to work

Louise x
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Picturesofu,

Its day 20 for me, Havnt got much to say .......just that I feel exactly the same as you. I feel I am having to fill in that awkward silence after the' sorry to hear ..... things will get better' conversation. I can see how people are struggling with what to say next.

I am going out to a gathering this afternoon with my son & daughter in law......They will no doubt be all couples so it will be a test. I have to start getting some normality back in my life somehow.

Wishing you and anyone else in the same situation all the best as we try and plod on. xx
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