Well the weekend away held a range of emotions.
Betral~ it felt like a huge betral to be leaving for the weekend without him. I knew that I needed to go to be with my daughter and to let my son have a little time to relax and also give myself time to try and learn how to sleep and most importantly give my children their mum back.
Guilt ~ Should I be laughing and giggling? Should I be smiling and having fun? Should I be happy? Yes I know that he would want me to be all those things but the sense of guilt was huge and writing this in my journal helped me to express this feeling and also recognise that just because I am laughing etc I have not stopped loving him with all my heart and soul.
Happiness ~ To let my children be children giving my son the space he needed to be a young adult, finding his way in life and carving out his own way but secure enough to still reach out and ask for help when he needs it. My daughter the space to learn to grow, to ask questions, to be a child laughing, enjoying and building happy memories.
Saddness ~ We all should have gone, but instead I just had a tiny little photo the one I want to use in a locket when I eventually find the right one to keep him closer to me. We should have been building more memories altogther, laughing, sharing and enjoying.
Lonely ~ even though I was being a mum and caring for my children I still felt that sense of being alone.
Annoyed / Jealous ~ Walking along the sea front chatting with my daughter all I noticed was happy couples and families, holding hands, laughing all I could think was how dare they be so happy, that should be us. It annoyed me because I was jealous of the fact they have their whole lives together and I have lost the love of my life. It annoyed me beacuse they clearly don't realise how lucky they are.
Dread ~ because I knew I would have to come home and face the post, the sorting out, the long nights, the feeling of being alone, the fact I am going to have to go upstairs to sleep in the bedroom soon, and the fact that everytime when I walk through the door it hits me like a sledge hammer that he is gone.
Achievement ~ I have taken another little step in my journey it hurts like nothing I have ever known, but its just like learning to walk sometimes I fall down, but I know I have to learn to get back up and try again to make another little step.
Thank you for reading and I hope all is well with you all with love x
