Well today has been spent packing to go away to give my daughter a bit of time with me and my son a bit of time to do normal 17yr old things, thankfully he is a sensible lad whom has given me so much love and support over the past weeks but I know he needs a bit of time for his own emotions. My daughter 11yrs is struggling with the loss so some time to sit on the beach sand in the sandwiches will help us both talk about her feelings in neutral grounds.
Although I know going away for the weekend is a good idea it does not stop the guilt I feel about leaving our home, I feel like I should be staying in the house just in case he needs me, yet I know he is not here, and would want me to make sure the children are cared for and given space to talk, relax and enjoy being children / young adults.
The thought of being away from his things is also worrying, at the moment if I need to feel close to him I can sit next to his chair, sit and hold a jumper etc but if I am not home this makes these things impossible. I will have my journal to write to him, and a picture I have chosen to carry around with me but will this be enough? Then I calm down and think about the need for me to get back into a sleep pattern that resembles 'normal' rather than sitting watching the hands on the clock move at snail pace throughout the night.
If I can make this step will it take him further away from me? I don't believe it will as I hold a vast amount of delightful loving memories that will be mine forever even though he is no longer here. So making this step will help my children gain part of their mummy back and build a tiny bit of our lives back whilst holding on to our precious memories.
So days 30 and 31 will be missing from my blog but my thoughts will be with those who read my ramblings to give you strength through your own experiences. x x
