I lost my husband to NSCLC 26 days ago, and the massive sense of loss still overwhelms me on a daily basis. At just 51 he had everything, we had plans, hopes and dreams then suddenly 8 months ago we were hit by the steam train of cancer. Huge problems arose at various points ~ secondary cancer in the brain followed by the bones yet we always strived to protect our families and my husband bravely fought each day.
I sometimes feel I let him down ~ and the what if questions form in my head What if I had taken better care of him? What if I had worked hard to find solutions, treatments? What if I had had gone with him to the GP earlier? I know that the what if's will eventually shrink but for now they ring around my head like alarm bells sounding, so I sit and write them down and then talk them through to make sense of them.
One of the hardest parts is not being able to talk through things with him, we had spend our lives together working through ups and downs by each others side, so now as I muddle through the vast amounts of 'sorting' and hit obstacles I miss the chat we would have had about those things. So several days ago I can up with the idea of writing a journal after all we often wrote letters to each other just to brighten up our days or express our love. So now each night I write to him in my journal and sometimes the problems I faced no longer seem enourmous.
I am determined not to let him down, let my life come to a stand still, but to use every experience we had together shape my path and make me stronger. The priviledge of our love will live on x
