So I can now tick off the anger on the grief checklist all of a sudden I have this sudden urge to shout at people to tell them its not fair that I can't come home and sit with my husband and talk about the day, complain about the weather, sit with my freezing cold feet next to my own personal radiator.
Maybe I should just snap out of it as I can't change the fact he is not here by being angry and annoyed but the feeling just will not subside today. How will I let this anger go?
Work is busy and feel a sense of guilt that I was not there for 8 months to oversee my areas of responsiblity - hmmm will OFSTED accept the fact that I had to have time off to care for my husband and spend time with him during the last few months of his life, I doubt they will think that is a valid reason why blah blah % of children didn't progress 2 sub levels in literacy when they scrutinise the data, and then wonder why I haven't got a handle on the data for this year already even though we are only 3 week into the new academic year. I dread to think what they would make of my mad ramblings on here I mean just reading my posts back he spelling and grammar are terrible but I have to get what is swimming in my head out quickly in order to make space in my head for the new ramblings!
So even though I know that we could have that phone call at any time the sense of dread is hihgtened by the fact I am struggling to manage my work load when I have things to catch up on from the last 8 months whilst also trying to manage the new work load that arises daily, run a household, support my 2 children and find time to deal with the grief checklist that rolls around my head like a record with the needle stuck. Well perhaps I should just say to mr(s) OFSTED to try living my life and then they might understand that I can't automatically pull up a piece of paper giving x amount of reasons why this % of children are doing this and % of children are doing that and the impact of my absence cause this that and the other, but I am only human and my husband and I wanted to spend the last few months of his life together attempting to pretend the nightmare was not real.
So I am not just angry at the injustice of loosing my husband but I am angry that my life now is a constant catch up and I feel like I am drowning in paper, numbers, data, analysis, more paper, oh and then then the tears because I want my husband back to make things right again and I can't have my own way on that because the reality is horrible. I can just hear him now tutting at the fact I am not remembering all the good times we had the laughs the jokes the times that we shared our worries and concerns and they then seemed so tiny because we both knew we were right there for each other to support care and love for each other.
My apologies to ramble when I know everyone has so much to deal with themselves, thank you for reading and my love and hugs to you all x x
