Let me be scared

1 minute read time.

You have not heard from me to date but I have been coming in to Mac land since the end of last year. Thus far I have coped with my diagnosis last October (Bowel Cancer) chemo radiation (november 09 to Jan 10),anterior resection,hysterectomy and illeostomy (March of this year) and weeks of waiting and tests to be told that I can have a laporoscopic liver resection next week.

I should feel lucky that all has gone well and my recovery has been really good and I do but BUT  - I now feel that because of how things have been going so far I should feel that this next part of my treatment is relatively straight forward and I will get through it easily. I think that those near to me feel used to the fact that I have Cancer and because I look so well and have been positive and upbeat I think they forget how serious this thing that I am dealing with is. It is not that I want attention but I do feel alone and mostly scared.

It is hard to put into words what I feel as I still feel in many ways that I am witnessing someone else's struggle and not my own.My family have been very supportive and my husband is very loving but my parents are elderly (86) and I suppose it is hard for my three sons who I try to protect and worry about constantly - the point is I must stay strong for everyone - but I need to crumble somewhere.

I'm not making myself very clear in fact I'm not entirely sure what I am trying to say except I feel very lonely and vulnerable right now. can anyone out htere relate to this?

 

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    So pleased that your recovery has gone so well so far - hope the next stage goes just as well.

    Your feeling of detachment and the need to stay strong for everyone else - think we can all relate to that. - we go through this stage to some extent.

    We can also relate to the feeling of isolation and fear.

    Only point I can disagree with is the feeling you are alone - there is no need to be !! there are so many on here who are or have been in your position and know exactly how you feel - please  do not keep you worries, fears and felling to yourself - we are here to chat to, ask questions of or just have a good old rant when thisngs get too much - but we will listen and we do understand !

    take care and please tell us HOW ARE YOU !!

    John xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Cathie....many of us are either feeling the way you are right now or have a some point during their illness and treatment, it can be so hard to deal with at times and we do tend to try and protect others around us. You may feel alone love but I promise you that you are not, we support eachother through good and bad times, just put your feeling down on here, there is always some one that can relate to what or how you are feeling. Just remember also that you are not made of stone and you some times need to cry, scream, shout 'No I am not alright' it is ok to do that. Take care and keep in touch, we can sort this out together....love Carol x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    John and Carol are right in what they say. We help each other.

    I find that now I am well and it is over that my loved ones behave as if it never happened. BUT it did happen1 year ago on sunday to be exact.

    For me it isn't over I still suffer the after affects of chemo and sleepless nights.

    The only people that do fully understand is everyone in macland.

    Take Care and it is nice to meet you. Julie x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    come here cathie - (((HUGS))) - lets crumble together

    .............ive been feelin like that too this week

    i know why ....... im worried about my son

    i was in a right state monday nite - thought i would be first person in the world ever to  die of a  anxiety attack

    decided to take KALMS .......... they seem to be working ...i def feel more relaxed

    you have told us how you feel ....now cant you tell someone - a close friend ??? how you truly feel?

    one thing for sure - you are def NOT alone anymore

    we are here for you

    more (((HUGS))) xNx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Cathie, like the others have said, we can all relate to how you are feeling.

    I know that I felt really guilty having cancer and putting my family through all the worry and so, had to be strong and show the world that I was fine and not to worry about me, but inside I was crumbling!

    This is a great place to offload to others who understand exactly where you are coming from. We are here when you cannot talk to family or friends who are too close and you don't want to upset them.

    I hope you find the support you need and wish you all the very best in your fight against this dreadful disease.

    Best wishes, Christine xx