Ist cycle of chemo begun!
After a terrible weekend i got GP out on monday who upped Eds pain patches again and I asked if chemo was going to be worth the trauma of going for it. He said without chemo Ed has only weeks left and it is up to Ed and the chemo unit to make that decision. Got there Tues with the help of a son and instead of chemo they gave Ed 2 units of blood. He was exhausted and hated the noise of the unit, music, chatter, machines bleeping but stayed put! Went back today, even busier and had to wait nearly 2 hours to be seen, short staffed. Explained he had had enough and wanted to go home but they gave us a liitle room with a bed, no music! and we stayed. Also he can have that room each time now, phew! he has so much pain relief that he is confused and I pray the chemo helps so we can reduce the drugs and i can have my husband back. He cant hold a conversation at the moment.
It is for these reasons, pain versus normality that i now view cancer with 2 minds. The first where determination, stubborness, positivity are so important to get the treatment and carry on living life to the full as much as possible but a second where it is time to accept living with cancer is not quality living and suffering is too big a price to pay. It is time to say goodbye. I fear i have fought for this latest chemo not thinking that even if Ed picks up a bit he is going to have to relive the last few weeks all over again. That I have been selfish wanting him to stay with me when we have already had 3 extra years and it is time to say enough is enough. I cant turn back the clock but I am thinking " what have I done?" Only seeing what happens now will answer that.....
