After I was diagnosed with treatable metastatic kidney cancer on 24th November 2021, my husband and I discussed who to tell and when.
The first decision was easy. Regarding telling our immediate families, we had no plan forwards. Therefore, we would wait until we knew treatment options and the future pathway. We also wanted to tell our children first. They were 17 and 21 at the time.
Our youngest was in High School, about to sit prelims (mock exams) in Jan 2022. We were concerned about the impact on her in this monumental year. We thought that leaving it until the exams had finished in June 2022 was too late. Playing it low key and waiting until we had a steadfast plan, or we knew how I was coping with treatment, was a good approach.
I started treatment in the second week of January 2022. I survived! I waited for any change in my day-to-day functioning, or becoming a permanent resident in the bathroom, but it didn’t happen. YAY. So, I started to think about when to tell the children. Our youngest finished exams at the end of Jan 2022 so we targeted the week after this. I wanted to tell them with us all together. I picked a date and asked our eldest to come round. Logistics meant that he came round early, when my youngest was out. This meant we had to do it separately.
I can’t remember exactly what I said to them. Something along the lines of: “I’ve not been very well for some time, and I’ve been diagnosed with kidney cancer, and it has spread to the lungs. It can’t be cured, but it’s treatable. I’m being seen by people at the Western. I’ve started treatment and it’s going OK. It’s a bit uncertain at the moment. We want to be really open with you and we want you to ask any questions you like, whenever.”
My eldest had just bought a flat, literally 3 weeks ago. First mortgage and all that. He had used a mortgage advisor and after his mortgage application was agreed, he bought some critical illness cover. We had discussed the critical illness cover, and laughed about it, because I never had any.
“Well, what do you want to tell me then?” he prompted. We were all casually in the kitchen. Probably not the setting I had envisaged, but I delivered the message. I remember the lump in my throat. I think he completely understood. “Should have got life insurance!” he joked. It broke the tension and we all laughed. He left to do whatever and that was part A over.
Part B and my youngest arrived home. We sat in the lounge after dinner. This was the setting I envisaged! LOL In a suitable pause I said I had something to say and I delivered my spiel. The seriousness of the situation was understood and she nodded, accordingly. I felt the tension. She asked something, but I can’t remember what. A few days later she asked if it was metastatic. I knew she’d googled it then, because I never mentioned “metastatic”. When you google “metastatic kidney cancer” it tells you the outcome isn’t good, and the prognosis is less than 5 years.
That was it. I never lied to them and I never made the treatment appointments a big thing either. I suppose it helped that they didn’t see any change in me. I might have casually said “I’m at the Western” but only if it was relevant to the conversation. I didn’t announce treatment milestones or discussions with oncology with them, because that would have been allowing the cancer to define me, or become an item in Family Life.
One of my eldest’s friend’s Dad died of cancer in the period after I’d been diagnosed. Maybe 12-18 months afterwards. He must have been around my age. My eldest also asked adhoc how the treatment was going. My positive response to treatment was confirmed by then, so I was able to share.
My youngest was walking home from school with a friend. She told her friend that I’d been diagnosed with kidney cancer. My immediate reaction when she told me, was “oh no! Now the school sphere knows”. But then I reminded myself that there were no conditions attached to my message and if she felt the need to share, then so be it. Her friend said “well, if you need me for anything, then I’m here.” 
I did seek advice on telling the children. It was a Big Thing. I didn’t expect anyone to tell me what to do or say, but I wanted to make sure I had answers to any follow-up questions and could point them towards any Support.
One place I approached was a local cancer support group. They were affiliated to Macmillan, in some way, I think. But it was a total car crash because they took control of my “question” and reached out to AN Other without seeking my consensus first. We’d agreed they would come back to me and discuss options first. They therefore lost my trust and I terminated the engagement. I believe I had a rant about it in "The Room" too! I was so cross! You lose so much control after being diagnosed with cancer and the last thing you want is a loss of control when it isn’t necessary.
I also phoned the Macmillan helpline. This was much better. I can’t remember the conversation at all, but I remember it helped getting their perspective and it confirmed I was on the right lines. Or perhaps I just outlined my plan and they made positive noises. Most importantly, they shared two organisations that provided support for young people for this scenario. I told my children about it, as an option, but they never followed-up, or needed it, as far as I am aware.
It’s not lost on me that I’ve blogged this now (Jan 2026), four years after the event! I think that’s a nod to the mental challenges surrounding cancer. I never envisaged this was a bloggable item when I started my blog in 2022. But I also recall starting the blog later in 2022 when this event was history. I really feel for parents telling children. I’m happy to share what we did, and the thought process behind it. My situation, telling young adults, is completely different, and easier, than dealing with the under 10s, in my view. I hope it helps people.
One of the positives I clinged to at this time, was the age of my children. I was so grateful that they were almost grown-up and I had (almost) seen them both become independent. My five year prognosis (Nov 2026) was 6 months before my youngest’s graduation and that was why I made her graduation my target and focus.
