This week has been such a rollercoaster of emotions and events it is difficult to get it all in order,but here goes. If you read the last blog you will know I had a bit of a downer after my last clinic visit but as always yours truly has picked herself up etc etc. Some time ago just after my diagnosis I put in a claim on the terminal illness section of my life policy...on the one hand I was really hoping I would get the money as anyone would but on the other I knew that to get it my life expectancy would have to be less than 12 mths. There has been quite a lot of discussion in the household about this, some of it very heated and nasty but hey I only asked for the money not for the cancer that allowed me to claim it so all in all I feel justified. So Wed 7th I received a phone call from my insurance company who informed me that my claim had been accessed and I would get written notification about how much and when I would get it. At the same time the latest chemo session had really knocked me for six, I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs and hips,now if I had not been on this site with all its information especially from other people who have had chemo I would have been in panic mode...thinking the cancer had spread to my bones...but as it is I know the chemo has gone into the bone marrow and that is causing the pain. OK so now I am chair bound... or suffer the consequenses. I am the most stubborn of people when told I cant or shouldn't so had to do a bit of suffering but even I am not a maschocist and had to concede in the end . There I am trying to get my head around all this when my darling parents arrived, at their age(both around 80) they have obviously seen death illness etc first hand and it was only recently my mum lost her youngest brother who had been more like another son to her,they even lost children although they were only babies, but I can only guess as to how they are dealing with all this. Now they have to watch their eldest daughter...the one has always done everything for herself,be strong for everyone else and even get over the loss of her own son at the age of 18...suddenly become a semi-invalid even if it is temporary..but knowing that I am going to die and there is nothing they can do to make it better. Its not as if a sticking plaster and comforting'there there' noises is quite the answer this time. Well anyway,after we had got over some general chat my Dad says" Can I buy you a wig,a really good one money no object" I'm thinking where did that come from,then I realised oh hell I have nothing on my head and they had not seen me like that before. Well I do have a wig and they have seen me in it and both said how good it looked so I was wondering what the problem was,it turns out that I had said it was itchy scratchy and he thought that if he bought me a better one it would solve the problem. I reassured him my hair would grow back again and even if he spent a thousand pounds on a wig I wouldn't wear it in the house. But I know it was his way of doing the sticky plaster there there thing and I love him all the more for it. We did talk about the insurance money and suddenly I thought I am going to die and burst into tears so got lovely hugs from my Mum which I never even got when I was little because she is not a touchy feely person,never been shown that herself. Of course all this love is making me feel much worse but the crying did me good in the end,we need to get some of this out of us and not let it build up inside. Somehow the conversation turned to me being able to get out of the house because I still have shoping to do for presents,when Mum remembered my sister had a wheelchair still from when she had back surgery,so she was going to get her partner to bring it up for me. Fantastic the escape plan was forming in my head,no-one puts Baby in the corner nor stops Colette from getting out. Later in the day both my sister and her partner arrived with said chair and by then I was in the mood for being reckless and having a drink although it was quite early, probably only 4 o'clock, and sister was quite happy to join me. She had brought me a lovely photo frame with a picture of the 2 of us,taken at a recent birthday party, well I am 7 years older than her and have cancer so you would think it would show especially as she has had quite a healthy life and never smoked, but no due to my posh wig I looked a good deal younger than her.She really didn't know whether to laugh or cry so we solved it by pouring yet another whisky Somehow we were running out of the amber liquid,I think there must have been a hole in the bottle,but fresh supplies were sent out for,well thats not quite true,sisters partner volounteerd he wasnt drinking anyway as he was driving. Then there were mutterings about people being hungry so my daughter was sent to chippy with a list. I am sure I must have eaten but what I really couldn't tell you,not that it makes much difference as I cant taste much anyway. I do remember my sister asking the dreaded question"how long" but I am not very sure what the answer was or even if I managed to avoid it all together, whisky has that effect on me. I do know there was heated words with my other half who was not happy about THE CHAIR sat in the hall, I know he struggled with the thought of me being so ill I might need it and to be fair I have been very well up to now but he has refused point blank to put it in the car for me and there is no way he would push me about,actually that was never going to be an option as his lungs are in an even worse state than mine, but if I could have got to the shops I could have wheeled myself. Thurs 8th Dec,by now my youngest daughter knows she will be getting her first car and soon ,due to the insurance payout,after all I took it out in the first place so she would be looked after if anything happened to me she has only recently made 18 so I see it as hers anyway Of course this came with mixed feelings for her she was hoping I wouldn't get it then that would mean I would have longer to live. She really needed to get things straight in her head and couldn't face college,which up to now she has managed to attend come what may, and I needed to tell my other daughter the news about the money so one phone call later and we decided it was to be a girly day out and we could play with the chair as well. We had a lovely day,very nice lunch in the pub and the two of them giggling and laughing as they pushed me through enormous puddles at great speed. The other half had done the shoping on his own and had lunch with daughters partner so everyone was happy,I was sooo tired last night but not too much pain,had a nice chat with a friend on the phone me lying in bed and slept very well. What more could a girl ask for? I know I know lets not go there. The plan of action now is......I have fun spending some money get through this chemo lark then the radio then later, maybe 2013 when I have time I am going to set up the lung cancer survivors group on the site and say BASTARD CANCER will have to do better than that to catch me. Anyone care to join me in a virtual party this time next year you are more than welcome,but you may have to bring your own drink as somehow mine keeps disappearing. Must be my sister she always pinched my stuff when we were young as well :) Colette XXX
