Wednesday Oct 5th,it has been just 4 weeks since I went to the doctors,in that time I have been scanned(PET and CT) xrayed had a biopsy...the works. Some days I thought I can't have cancer because I feel well and others felt like I wouldn't survive the week. Against advice I had already looked up the various lung cancers/treatments/prognosis. I knew with one type NSCLC I would maybe offered surgery depending on how far advanced it was...good option I thought...get rid of the cancer in one fell swoop. Then the phone rang,my Macmillan nurse was telling me I had an appointment on the following Monday at the chest clinic.....they had all the results back now and could tell me what was going on. Hey up thinks I...if it was some good news would he not be telling me that? So obviously not good news then,to cut a long story short I dragged it out of him..chapter and verse ,very aggressive unoperable very likely to spread elsewhere. The good news was I could have chemo which would shrink the cancer...presumably to give me longer.better quality of life etc and then radio so it wouldn't go to my brain........just maybe bones liver whatever. So there it was and it wasn't going away and I felt like screaming at all the people who had said" You don't know anything yet you have to stay positive" I did know I had known all along it wasn't me in denial but I thought if I think the worst then it can only get better WRONG. I kept the appointment anyway and took along my daughters and other half as they wanted to know all the details, naturally ,and in case i missed something, I missed a lot and yet nothing I was passed on then to an oncologist appointment on Thursday,I have to say the speed at which everything was dealt with was amazing........I can't and won't complain about the NHS ever again....well maybe about one oncologist who really needs to brush up on his people skills. The doctor in question spent ages on Thursday going through the treatment,possible side affects and ended the conversation with" Also the chemo may kill you, would you like to sign this consent form?" Duh do I have a choice!!! I did say at the start of my blog that I would comment on how it had affected other people in my life...the truth is I dont really know. We have all had tears and laughter and a few drunken moments but I think we are all being "Brave" for each other. Sometimes I wish it was all over for them,quick and painless and then I think ...hang on..there is things I want to do first.I am fighting my corner one minute,the next going to my bed thinking " Can I just sleep now". Thursday 20th Oct I had my first chemo and apart from a slight panic attack on the Saturday i had no problems at all, in fact got quite blase about the whole process...all the horror stories I had heard about must have been about different types of chemo. Oh boy!! did I get that one wrong as well. But first the oncologist,Thursday1st Dec,round 3 of chemo,I had to have my usual xray to see what was happening to the cancer before I had the chemo...so there he is in another room I might add,didn't even have the decency to sit with me whilst poring over the xray,then pops in to ask how I was feeling etc...not that he was really interested...and then announces that the cancer hasn't shrunk at all!!!!!! What the whole idea was to do exactly that wasn't it? He did follow this up by some mutterings about a CT scan to give a better picture and probably more than 4 chemo's as was originally intended but he really should have either kept his mouth shut or worded it differently with a more positive slant. After 3 months I had finally started to sleep a little easier in my bed,longer more productive sleep which I badly needed...in one fell swoop he took all that away from me. This is the bit where a string of expletives should appear but my lovely Dad says that people who use bad laungage for the sake of it just havn't the intelligence to learn any other words. Sorry Dad but nothing else quite works for me just now. FUCKING BASTARD CANCER give me my life back it wasn't much but it was mine!!!!!!!!!!
