I really wanted todays blog to be positive, instead of my usual moaning ones. Unfortunately fate has stepped in again and I cant, Positive thinking is just not working at the moment.
Before I start I would just like to thank everyone for their blogs they really do help and I apologise that I haven't replied to any. I have tried on many occassions to reply each and every one touches me whether its good or bad, and I would love to respond. But as I write a reply it just doesn't seem the right thing to say, at least not in my head anyway. So I dont send it. But I am here in the background taking it all in, I would just like you all to know that.
Anyway Monday mum phoned me in tears uncontrollable irrational tears. All I could do was listen, everything I said was wrong to her. She had come out of hospital on Sunday, back to her own doctors on Monday to be told she had a nasty infection in her wound. All I could do was listen to her rant and rave about how she was having treatment It was a complete waste of time cause it is 1 foot forward 3 back. There was nothing I could say to come her she was completely irrational. I came of the phone after hours and although I knew it was just today she felt like that, I was so upset that my mum was upset, if that makes sense. I knew none of it was meant personally to me and that we just got to take the good days and the bad days when they happen
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were all positive days, mum had got over (if that is the right expression ) the day before and was feeling quite positive. As she said she knows what is going to happen but is not going to let it get her down. All good there then. As I said good and bad days we know they going to happen and deal with whatever as it happens.
Friday, oh my god nobody could of predicted Friday........... Mum phones in tears at 9 am, my step niece is also fighting cancer she is just 24 with 2 small children. My stepdads daughter had phoned him in tears she has had a phone call from the hospital, they have got bad news for Adela and would like her there for support. My mum says to him, you have to go and be there for support they need you. He didn't want to leave mum, mum says I am ok they need you more than I do right now, at least I can make myself a cup of tea.... So of he goes. The wait I cannot explain but know you all know what I mean... I am 45 miles away and couldn't go down hadn't made arrangements for the kids. ( Which I am having trouble dealing with cause I should just be able to go without a moment hesitation but unfortunately cant ) I couldn't settle to anything I knew it meant only one thing. Kept phoning mum, she hadn't heard anything. The day seemed to go in slow motion. Anyway finally got that call to say Adela has 3 months left without chemo and 1yr at most with chemo. Mum had to stop she was sobbing couldn't get the words out. Adela screamed for her mum and grandad. My stepdad said he couldn't do anything was rooted to the spot..
He came home from the hospital and just broke down,. I think every one of us broke down on Friday, I was on the phone talking to my hubby crying telling him what had happened, as he's ex wife walks into my house to pick her sons bits and pieces up. She asked what was going on, she knows about my mum but not my step niece. So I told her through my tears. She replied " god what is it with your family " like we asked for it like anyone asks for cancer. She then went on to ask whether i was using my tumble dryer or pegging washing on the line. God how insensitive like I give a damn how the bloody washing is being dried at the moment....
Point is she should really know how I am feeling last year she was in this very same situation with her mum... I looked after her son for 18 mths so she could spend every second of every day with her mum with no worries for anything else. Yet she cannot afford to be sensitive to my feelings. Just keeps still wanting me to look after him while she has a night out cause she missing her mum whatever. It is not a game to see who is feeling the worst. All I am saying is at least be a liittle sensitive to my feelings.
My stepdad is hanging on by a thread, we have oncologist with mum soon and I sincerly hope it is not the news he is expecting, We are so worried he is hanging waiting to fall. I feel so helpless, my step neice my step sister my step dad and mum. Being there for them I feel is just not enough but what else can I do....... Every one things I am coping so well. Outside maybe inside i am a wreck....
This blog was not meant to be like this and once again I have gone completely overboard but I have bottled this up all weekend and just needed a release. Thank you all for listening xx
