Just returned home after yet another spell in hospital. Three chemos down and two hospital stays with unknown infections it looks lke its going to be a long haul. After a variety of tests ( just like last time) the doctors were no nearer the truth , one thought it was an infection in my Hickman line , another thought the infection was caused by the open wound on my back. Finally one "brave" doctor admitted they hadnt really got to the bottom of it- I like honesty. So where do I go from here. Next chemo ( half way point ) was due on Friday but its been put of till next Tuesday- hopefully. Now Im going to be on edge waitin on the next infection hitting me.
Having gone through the usual emotions Ive also found myself getting angry with life in general. I watch as everyone around me goes on with their lives while mines has been taken over with this disease. I want to turn the clock back , I want to be "normal" again, I want to be able to plan a holiday I want to do all the things that were run of the mill. I want my old body back, I want my Hickman line taken out and a bit of me doesnt want to continue with the chemo. Im tired and run down and feeling sorry for myself. Im fed up with people telling me I look good, Im handling everything really well I m brave. NO NO NO I want to scream at them.
Anyway Ill stop whining. In a few days I hope I can pick myself up, shake myself down and put on a fresh pair of boxing gloves and continue with the fight. Thanks for listening
Jules
FormerMember
Not surprised you're at some sort of nadir this evening. We're running under so much residual stress that when something extra gets thrown in our way, it really trips us up. It's at those moments that I think most of us have done the "WHY ***** ME?" bit. It's bad enough when things run according to schedule, looking in our diaries and counting out the weeks till it's all over - then something pushes it back, and it feels like it's going on forever. We just lose heart for a while.
Yes, it's really hard to watch friends getting on with their lives. Of course they are full of sympathy at first, but gradually they get compassion fatigue, and they want us to move on - as if WE don't want to move on!
Sending you very best wishes, and hoping that the infections will clear and you will get the boxing gloves back on. Lots of love xxxx Penny
