Just returned home after yet another spell in hospital. Three chemos down and two hospital stays with unknown infections it looks lke its going to be a long haul. After a variety of tests ( just like last time) the doctors were no nearer the truth , one thought it was an infection in my Hickman line , another thought the infection was caused by the open wound on my back. Finally one "brave" doctor admitted they hadnt really got to the bottom of it- I like honesty. So where do I go from here. Next chemo ( half way point ) was due on Friday but its been put of till next Tuesday- hopefully. Now Im going to be on edge waitin on the next infection hitting me.
Having gone through the usual emotions Ive also found myself getting angry with life in general. I watch as everyone around me goes on with their lives while mines has been taken over with this disease. I want to turn the clock back , I want to be "normal" again, I want to be able to plan a holiday I want to do all the things that were run of the mill. I want my old body back, I want my Hickman line taken out and a bit of me doesnt want to continue with the chemo. Im tired and run down and feeling sorry for myself. Im fed up with people telling me I look good, Im handling everything really well I m brave. NO NO NO I want to scream at them.
Anyway Ill stop whining. In a few days I hope I can pick myself up, shake myself down and put on a fresh pair of boxing gloves and continue with the fight. Thanks for listening
Jules
