Just returned home after yet another spell in hospital. Three chemos down and two hospital stays with unknown infections it looks lke its going to be a long haul. After a variety of tests ( just like last time) the doctors were no nearer the truth , one thought it was an infection in my Hickman line , another thought the infection was caused by the open wound on my back. Finally one "brave" doctor admitted they hadnt really got to the bottom of it- I like honesty. So where do I go from here. Next chemo ( half way point ) was due on Friday but its been put of till next Tuesday- hopefully. Now Im going to be on edge waitin on the next infection hitting me.
Having gone through the usual emotions Ive also found myself getting angry with life in general. I watch as everyone around me goes on with their lives while mines has been taken over with this disease. I want to turn the clock back , I want to be "normal" again, I want to be able to plan a holiday I want to do all the things that were run of the mill. I want my old body back, I want my Hickman line taken out and a bit of me doesnt want to continue with the chemo. Im tired and run down and feeling sorry for myself. Im fed up with people telling me I look good, Im handling everything really well I m brave. NO NO NO I want to scream at them.
Anyway Ill stop whining. In a few days I hope I can pick myself up, shake myself down and put on a fresh pair of boxing gloves and continue with the fight. Thanks for listening
Jules
You're obviously feeling very low and you're perfectly entitled to feel this way. You have been dealt a really sh***y hand lately. You say cancer runs in your family, well it has happened in mine too but it is apparently very rare - it is only something like a 10% risk factor. I know it shakes you up and focuses your mind on the "what if it's me too?" scenario, but there's so many other things that can influence cancer and we can not control them all.
You say you can not plan ahead, well can any of us plan ahead with that much certainty? It is a supreme optimist who does that much forward planning! Some years ago I met a young woman who had her whole life 'planned out' - she was going to marry 'Mr. Wonderful', have a career for five years, then they would buy a four bedroom house, have two children (a boy and a girl) and live happily ever after. Well, guess what? She didn't!
Treasure every good moment of every good day. Things will improve but in the meantime remember you have a sympathetic audience here who will understand you when you need to have a moan and groan.
oh poor you, i know the feeling we all do on here. Take KateG's advice its good advice too, just take one day at a time. I wanted to give up half way through chemo i was so sick of being sick, i think its a common ground with us all.
Take heart darling, you will get better and wont always feel this rubbish, i am so sorry to hear about the infections that really is horrible for you.
Wishing you good healing, and sending big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Have a good old rant Jules. I think that we're all a bit too good at coping. Why do we have to be so bloody reasonable about this shitty disease? The periods of not coping don't vanish the longer we have this illness. I don't think you ever can get used to the idea of having cancer. We have to let-off steam sometimes - it's really very healthy. I can be talking about cancer one day as if it were no more important than yesterday's weather forecast. However, on other days, I'm totally consumed by the whole wretched business and want to tear what little hair I have left out. So, I have a rule that I have days when I specifically DON'T COPE! I get all my angst out until I'm too knackered to do anymore. So long as I've more coping days than none-coping, then I reckon I'm doing OK. As for you Jules... you're doing brill!
Hi Jule's, I was so sorry to read your blog and all that you are feeling at the moment. You are quite entitiled to have a good old rant. It's a very human reaction! It's probably a whole lot healthier to vent your feelings here than bottling them up or taking them out on your nearest and dearest. Tomorrow is another day and the sun may be shining lol!
Hi Jules - Poor you - that sounds really rubbish. I too had two hospital stays due to infections and nearly gave up the chemo. It took them a while but they discovered that my infection was in my groshong line and removed it - that seemed to take away the problem and I was fine for the next cycle - only one more to go. I've heard of a number of people with infected lines since - have they definitely discounted that with you?
Like you I feel really nervous about getting another infection but I've devised a plan for myself to help me feel more in control. I avoid crowds and public transport (though my hospital say this isn't necessary), take lots of vitamin c, swap ordinary soap for hibi scrub, eat really well and take a variety of supposedly immune system boosting supplements. The hosptial also gave me some white cell boosting injection called G-CSF (or something) - are you having that? I'm not sure if any of it is any use medically but it certainly helps me feel much braver and in charge.
Anyway being in hospital with infections is scary and miserable and feeling sorry for yourself is fine. I like the sound of your boxing gloves though - put them on when you're up to it and keep moving forward.
