A BIG thankyou to all who answered my blog Guilty.
It is true there is alot of love on this site and I definitely feel it this past 24 hours.
I haven't yet spoken to my mum, members of my family were present and witnessed the argument, I spent last night on my own, no-one rang me to see how I was, my distress and heartache obviously went unnoticed by my sisters. I still feel guilty about the incident but it is not an isolated case I have spent my life feeling guilty about my mum.
Guilty because I was abused by my mums best friends husband at the age of 3 until I was 11. At the age of 11 my mum sent me to the Drs on my own, and that is when the proverbial s..t hit the fan. Mum dealt with it by moving house and sweeping it under the carpet.
I feel guilty because my dad left his wife and 5 kids when I was 15, I had to keep my mum together, look after my brothers and sisters (I am the eldest). Gulity because my mum was anywhere but in th house with her kids, seeking support from the neighbours, guilty because I had to go looking for her because us kids needed her.
Guilty because I continued to have a relationship with my dad and his new family until the day he died at 73. Against my mums wishes! My mum made me feel guilty for loving my dad.
I feel guilty for getting pregnant at 17 so much so I purposely never had anymore children. My mum didn't speak to me for 4 days she was more worried about what the neighbours would think.
I feel guilty for embarking on an abusive marriage.
I feel guilty for doing well for myself, for gaining a degree in nursing.
Guilty for finding my soulmate and being really truly happy whilst my mum spent 32 years mourning her divorce and loving my dad.
Gulity because I have a lovely home even though my beloved and I bought my mum her home 10 years ago.
Guilty because I needed my mum when my husband died of cancer and we had not told a soul because that was his wishes.
The happiest time in my life was short lived, my marriage was the happiest it could be. As I said to a lady earlier it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
I have spent a lifetime wanting to be loved.
I have spent a lifetime trying to please my mum, my siblings.
What for? To be ignored when I need them the most.
Well I have been very fortunate to meet another soulmate, he is taking good care of me. He has gone home to his house until chemo no3. He says " You and me against the world kid "
We can't have everything and we should be thankful for what we have, there are somethings we wish we didn't have. Thank you again to my New adopted family. I love you all. Julie XXXXXXX
