Hey everyone,
Wow! It's been a long time since I last wrote a blog.. I've been living my life and almost forgetting whats important. I always feel guilty for forgetting and moving on becuase I know Cancer will always be a part of me.
I don't know.. I guess I feel like I'm taking life for granted because I'm not remembering all those things 'I will definitley do after I'm done with this evil Chemo' ect ect..
This evening i've been going 'back to my Cancer roots' and having a browse on a hugely inspirational site that helped me enormously when dealing with Chemo... Jimmy Teens.tv.. Ive not looked at it for a while and forgot how real and raw Cancer was and still is to me.. and everyone who's affected by it.. It's kinda like.. I had Cancer.. it was me but i floated up and watched it happen. Hard to put into words.. erm.. I had chemo.. but I didnt feel chemo.. I floated up into the air and watched from above what was happening.. ah.. strange, but still very vivd in my head.
On it I followed a young girl, Alice who made the most real, down to earth nitty gritty video blogs. Alice did not hide away from the real life of cancer and her honesty, advice and inspiration kept me going. Sadly Alice lost her battle a couple of years ago.. but i still think of her regularly, although I didn't physically know her.. I kinda feel an unspoken bond becuase we'v been through similar things.
I suppose we all have a bond on here!
It will have been four years this July since I was diagnosed and yet it feels so raw? I mean I don't associate Cancer with every single part of my life like I used to.. and I'm not going crazy anymore with the thought of a minor head ache could be 'The Big C' like I used to.. But not one day goes by when I'm not eternally greatful for the life I have, for the doctors and nurses I had, for my wonderful family and boyfriend and my amazing friends I have.. But i do forget that I am a survivor of Cancer.. Is this a good thing, that I'm moving on and not letting it bother me, or is it a bad thing becuase im not taking the illness I had seriously anymore??
I suppose Im wirting this blog to keep myself grounded and not float away too far from what is part of me.. I'm too busy enjoying myself and forgetting who I am and what could be.. as I said, I almost feel guilty.
I mean.. when you fininsh chemo, does anybody else feel completely alone and almost thrown out the door becuase your not a priority anymore.. as selfish as that may sound.. its' exactly how i felt for at least two years after chemo.. I kinda thought I would get over my experience and get straight back to my 'old life' but nope.. I was physically better and fixed, but emotionally I found it hard to readjust to life without cancer?? Does that sound strange? I don't know..
Thanks for letting me ramble.. as unorganised and all spilt out in one go this is.. I feel better for the waffle :)
Take care all,
Love xxx
