woke up this morning and im feeling so down just seem too want to cry for england scotland ireland and wales......i want someone to cuddle me and tell me everything will be ok but there isnt anyone to do that because im on my own with my two wonderful children well adults now really ......throughout my life ive always been the one who prefered to be on my own but now is the first time i wish i had someone just for me to wake up to and give me that much needed cuddle .......is that being selfish yes i suppose it is.......im being strong for my kids but inside im falling apart and i so dont like what this is making me become ........ a vulnerable woman ...........i seem to have lost the strong resilient person i was as every day goes by instead im a snivelling mess and when i look in the mirror seem to have aged so much.
i should be happy that im being given the chance of treatment but right now its not first and foremost in my head its way at the back because im scared of it .....scared what it is going to make me become .....dependant on my two children and to anyone else who i can rope in and its just not fair on them .....they should be going about their normal days having nothing more than to worry about than boys and what new game is coming out on x box instead they are being told about hygiene indoors...not allowing their friends in if they have infections,,,, reading the leaflets on the side effects of chemo.....accompanying me to hospital appointments etc etc what a damn turmoil in our life....all because of this bloody disease.....i am not going to lie down to this or let it take me over because i cant afford to be miserable like this cos then it has won and there is no way i have let anyone win in my life( exs included) so for now i will go dry my tears and get on with being mum for the next few days before my chemo on wednesday starts and then we will be thrown into the unknown ........the dreaded side effects scenario!!!!????
im so angry with myself for feeling like this how dare it drag me down ....so im off for a nice bath... putting on my makeup.... doing my hair and taking my daughter out for the day to the shops!!!
who knows when the next time i will be feeling able to do this but bugger this damn thing you will not beat me i have no place in my life for you anymore whether im going to be bald .look like an egg on legs whatever i am going to fight because im proud of who i am and what i am so you can take the biggest bloody hike right out of our life there is no place for you here !!!!
sorry guys just have to have a rant today
love you all jen xxxxx
