vulnerable and a complete mess !!!!

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

8 Jan 2011

woke up this morning and im feeling so down just seem too want to cry for england scotland ireland and wales......i want someone to cuddle me and tell me everything will be ok but there isnt anyone to do that because im on my own with my two wonderful children well adults now really ......throughout my life ive always been the one who prefered to be on my own but now is the first time i wish i had someone just for me to wake up to and give me that much needed cuddle .......is that being selfish yes i suppose it is.......im being strong for my kids but inside im falling apart and i so dont like what this is making me become ........ a vulnerable woman ...........i seem to have lost the strong resilient person i was as every day goes by instead im a snivelling mess and when i look in the mirror seem to have aged so much.

i should be happy that im being given the chance of treatment but right now its not first and foremost in my head its way at the back because im scared of it .....scared what it is going to make me become .....dependant on my two children and to anyone else who i can rope in and its just not fair on them .....they should be going about their normal days having nothing more than to worry about than boys and what new game is coming out on x box instead they are being told about hygiene indoors...not allowing their friends in if they have infections,,,, reading the leaflets on the side effects of chemo.....accompanying me to hospital appointments etc etc what a damn turmoil in our life....all because of this bloody disease.....i am not going to lie down to this or let it take me over because i cant afford to be miserable like this cos then it has won and there is no way i have let anyone win in my life( exs included) so for now i will go dry my tears and get on with being mum for the next few days before my chemo on wednesday starts and then we will be thrown into the unknown ........the dreaded side effects scenario!!!!????

im so angry with myself for feeling like this how dare it drag me down ....so im off for a nice bath... putting on my makeup.... doing my hair and taking my daughter out for the day to the shops!!!

who knows when the next time i will be feeling able to do this but bugger this damn thing you will not beat me i have no place in my life for you anymore whether im going to be bald .look like an egg on legs whatever i am going to fight because im proud of who i am and what i am so you can take the biggest bloody hike right out of our life there is no place for you here !!!!

sorry guys just have to have a rant today

love you all jen xxxxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago

((((((((((BIG HUGS ))))))))) Jennifer it is ok to feel the way you do. There is no shame in it and it doesn't mean that you are weakening.

You have another mountain to climb and you are scared.

It is not your fault you got cancer.

Our lot in life is predestined and sadly this is part of your childrens destiny their mum having cancer.

I don't know their ages but have you all ever talked about what is happening?

Maybe councelling would help you all.

It is so hard to remain strong all the time I remember only too well. When my husband was diagnosed he wouldn't tell anyone, we kept it a secret until the day he died. it took it's toll on me.

2 years after he died I myself got cancer and I let the whole world know! I needed support.

I too am a very strong lady and on my own.

Be kind to yourself Jenny and don't berate yourself too much for feeling scared and vulnerable. My goodness you have every right to be.

My positve thoughts and vibes are with you and they will stay with you for as long as you need them!

Lots of Love Julie xx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

thanks so much julie for being here for me..... see im off on the water works again for gods sake!!! think its the lonliness that gets to me more than anything else when youre well you just go ahead and make plans with this scenario you cant do that i guess it just gets to me because i so dont know how i will react to the chemo ....yes im usually so strong just hits you like a ten ton truck when you least expect it i guess.

i have tried to send private messages on here but they dont send so sorry for not sending you one before now i have tried to but no joy !!!

hope you are well take care and thanks julie you dont know what it means !!!

loads of love jen xxxxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

hi jennifer, im feeling little better now i know someone else feels like me.... just want to get back to normal lol my luv and thoughts are with you today xxxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Jennifer - I know how you must be feeling, I had 6 months of chemo under St Bart's in London, and although it was a pretty well-tolerated chemo drug, I had hardly any side-effects. But I well remember looking at the tablets and having to sum up the courage to take the first one - I felt as if as soon as I took it, my head would rotate, or fall off or something. So I know how scary the thought of chemo is, but everyone copes differently - it may not be as bad as you're expecting. I think I read somewhere that you are under Bart's - have you met Dr Plowman yet? Good luck, Jeanie x
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Jennifer, even the strongest of us gets down from time to time. That's the effect this damn disease can have. You are entitled to feel sorry for yourself and your family.

I don't think there have been many of us, if any, who haven't worried about the chemo and how it will affect our lives. In most cases, myself included, the side effects have been nowhere near as bad as expected. It's the fear of the unknown I guess.

I wish you all the very best with your treatment. I hope you had a good day out shopping and hope you feel better for it.

Best wishes, Christine xx
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