When two become one

Wednesday was my consultation with the surgeon, which was a bit of a mess truth be told.

It was kind of mad with myself for going in with such a firm idea of what I wanted and expected them to do. Feedback for the care team is they should really set expectation sooner, so people know what they are going into and don’t make their own plan.

I’m having a single mastectomy booked in for Tuesday morning. (I really wanted a double which is where the disappointment came in). I was so mad that again no one was doing what I wanted or taking into consideration my body and what I really wanted to do with it. I threw a total tantrum in the room. After I calmed down, I had to apologise and was mortified at my outburst, but I just couldn’t contain it. I was fuming. My surgeon is the nicest woman ever though and explained that this was being done as a lifesaving procedure. If she took my other boob and anything went wrong, and I couldn’t have my chemo or I got an infection it could potentially kill me. I mean if you going to give a good argument, she nailed it. She explained that I couldn’t have any reconstruction now as I was having more chemo then radiotherapy, but when I came back to her after treatment, she would remove my right boob and do the reconstruction on both at the same time. I sucked it up and accepted that this was a good deal, and the outcome would be exactly what I wanted. Just not how I planned it. Best to keep myself alive at this stage though I guess.

There was a spanner thrown in the works when I asked if I would have my lymph nodes checked during surgery. She explained that I would be having an auxiliary node clearance to remove all of the lymph nodes in my armpit as the cancer had spread to them from what she could see from my MRI and CT scans. OK. Give me a second to take that in.

I’ve been upgraded to the stage 3 cancer club.

I left the appointment with more leaflets and exercises to do post-surgery and a nice foam tit to use after Tuesday. My head is still whizzing with all of this information. Pre op assessment is this morning, then the weekend to take in this life changing surgery. I don’t know if I should be sad I’m losing my left boob after 35 years of it being there, or glad to see the back of the thing that is killing me. Head blag!

Anonymous
  • I am one of your greatest supporters. Therefore I say to you, as I did to myself - view the situation as seeing the back of the thing that is killing you. It is just diseased tissue and it aint gonna get better. That's how my Breast Surgeon described it. I threw what is for me a wobbly when I was told I needed a mastectomy on what I had been told initially was pre-cancerous cells. 

  • on Tuesday 28th I had left breast and lymph nodes out of arm. I'm in bed tonight texting you as you are identical to me!! I have a 40DD right boob flopping all over my stomach and a dressing and flatness on other side. Underneath this flatness is a big fat midriff. I look like a darts player on my left profile. Yes it's horrible.  I have to wait for results to see if all cancer is gone. Then radiotherapy or chemo. Then Palbociclib for another 12 months again with oncologist and Letrozole for years.

    I will in time have a silicone implant in left and a reduction in right  but "time" is the key. I can either spit my dummy out or I can have my drains removed and start next treatment and eat healthy foods and lose a good three stone and try and get a better figure in readiness for enhancing surgery.

    It's a no brainer really isn't it? xx

    You can do this!!!

  • It's hard to know what to say as this really is the gift that keeps giving!   I guess we all have to trust our medical team and accept their advice and experience, despite this being crappily difficult at times. Hope you're feeling a bit better about it today xx

  • Thank you for sharing this experience. I am trying to learn from you as I am new to all this. xxx

  • You have every right to have a tantrum , it’s your body.  Positive thoughts being sent to you for Tuesday.  Saw my surgeon yesterday and booked in for double mastectomy on 16 November.   I will be following your journey so I know what to expect.  I am not having reconstruction and am going flat.  You are much younger than me so can understand why you are.  Stay strong.