Standing in the way of control

Another day and another situation that I don’t have a say in. Cycle 6 didn’t happen today. After doing everything I could in 2 days to have no signs of dry or swollen skin, my bloods showed my liver was running at very risky. At my last cycle it had increased and was very high but because I was good in my general health, they let me go ahead with treatment. This week it’s doubled again. I’ve been differed for a week to give it another 7 days to recover from the last cycle. Apart from continuing to drink my 2 liters of water a day there’s nothing else that can be done to speed up the healing of it. I was thinking about begging and crying and throwing a toddler tantrum, but I didn’t have the energy. They were set and with the few comments I made about really wanting it done today they weren’t going to be budged. Suppose waiting a week is better than permanent liver damage or failure in the long run. So, I had a cuppa and a biscuit and came home.

There was a positive spin to put on today. The ward sister is checking that I’m on the list for the MDT meeting for Monday. At least I know I’m defo going to be discussed. Now I’ve got all of my hopes on getting a slot on Tuesday’s clinic with my breast surgeon. They said depending on the MRI and what is agreed at the meeting, I might not have to have my final cycle at all, and they’ll just get me straight in for surgery! So now I’m working out all the possibilities of which Wednesday I could be booked in for my surgery if I do get in for my pre assessment on Tuesday. I also now have the potential of having to change all my plans if I do have chemo next week. It’s a real inconvenience. They haven’t booked me in for a date for my next chemo as it’s on depending what happens on Monday, so that’s another thing to add to the ‘unknown’ ‘up in the Air’ list. I’m blagging my own head here and it’s only been half a day. I hate playing this waiting game, going round the ‘what if’ list for days. Knowing my care team will have a plan made and know what is happening and I don’t. It just adds to the lack of control. It has my life.

Anonymous