Just hold, On We’re Coming Home

Yesterday was the first day I managed to have a full day at home without having to attend the hospital in the last 2 weeks. Apart from last weekend it’s been another eventful few weeks. This time it was all about platelets. When I had my chemo on the 13th my platelets were very low. They were sitting at 53 and chemo can be done as long as they are above 50 so scraped through. The nurses said to watch out for any bleeding and any skin rashes or feeling unwell. You never leave the hospital without some warning, so I left without thinking anything of it. The next day I gave my blood thinning injection and it bled like I had shot myself in the leg. I also developed a rash all over my torso which looked like chicken pox. I held off going into hospital most of the day but when my temperature went up to 38 a trip to A&E had to happen. This stuff never happens to me during chemo ward open hours. Saturday night at A&E is a sight to be had. There were more policemen than patients. No one could make any decisions on that night, so I was checked in for a night’s stay on a ward. The next day after being seen by an Oncologist, Haematologist and Cardiologist the plan was to put some Amicar on my injection sight (which stopped the bleeding in seconds and could have been dine the night before) and then I had a platelet transfusion before being sent off on my merry way. I had an appointment anyway on the Monday at the chemo ward to check my platelets. This turned into an appointment every day last week and into the start of this week too. I’ve been for pre assessment today and they are flying high above average now, so fingers crossed that’s the end of that drama.

This week I also had a pain review with the oncologist. I’ve been on liquid morphine for the last 2 weeks to ty and figure out a dose that covers me 24 hours. When I was taking tramadol, I was waking up through the night and not able to take any more meds until the following morning. I started on slow-release Morphine tablets this week and so far, they have been amazing. I’m not in any pain through the day and have had some good sleeps which makes life 100% better. This will be such a difference to my life if I can get through it without moaning and groaning like an old woman every time I move.

Work is still playing on my mind and most of the time the subject really winds me up. I’m doing days where I can, but it seems to get less and less when shit like last week comes up. On Monday I was at hospital for 5 hours. How am I meant to plan anything to do at work? I had 2 weeks off sick to see how my first cycle on this chemo would go. Straight away on Monday my new boss was on the phone wanting to know the ins and outs of my farts. Shit like that makes me think is it even worth keeping up work because at the minute it only causes more stress. I can’t just get on with anything without having a freaking meeting about my cancer. Having ‘wellbeing meetings’ once a week. What kind of joke is that? I would love to know what a seconded manager can do that the NHS can’t. Lost my shit yesterday with it. It ends up me explaining medical terms to them, not them trying to help me in anyway. After the frankness of yesterday’s call fingers crossed the back the fuck off for a bit. A micromanager is NOT what I need right now.

After moving my holiday abroad 3 times I made the decision this week to cancel it all together. An expensive choice but one that needed to be done to be rid of another worry. I’m done with trying to go on holiday.

Today I had my 5th Covid jab. I’m off to bed to nap through the flu symptoms and dead arm.

Anonymous