I’ve become so numb

Apart from still being physically numb on my left side, I’ve been very numb to the news about my cancer spreading. Over the last week, that numbness has turned into anger.

I’ve been running through everything with fine detail and I’m now foaming that I was left for 3 months with no treatment or scans from not finishing my IV chemo to starting my new treatment. I keep thinking would this have made a difference of me not getting secondary cancer if I had been started on new treatment sooner. My surgery was delayed when my oncologist didn’t go to an MDT meeting, then new treatment was delays after surgery again because oncologist missed the MDT. What the fuck. She’s getting the brunt of my anger as you can probs tell today. I also can’t get out of my head a comment the breast nurse made saying I wouldn’t be allowed any surgery while I was on chemo. Well, that’s going to be for life now which is a problem to me. I begged them to do a double mastectomy at the time of my surgery and now I’m left all lop sided. No reconstruction or further mastectomy. It’s all chewing me up. I was never really bothered or noticed a week here or there, but now I’ve looked at it all on a whole its really pissed me off. I feel like my oncologist actually doesn’t give a shit. They are very good at telling me how bad my cancer is but looking at their actions, they aren’t reflecting that with any urgency. The last review was done at the chemo ward and was done by the oncology day unit manager who is amazing by the way. I would rather just deal with her moving forward now I want to punch my actual oncologist really hard in the tit.

I’ve got a review today with my oncologist regarding my new treatment plan depending on the outcome of my last CT scan and pick up my chemo while I’m there. Then I’ve got a call with the genetics team to find out the results of my antics test.

While I’m there I’ll ask about my surgery and see if I can get a referral to my surgeon rather than listening to a great nurse off the cuff comment. If I make it through today without kicking off or crying it will be a miracle. Sorry in advance to anyone who crosses me today. I’m on the edge.

Anonymous
  • Afternoon - well I'm going to risk it. You don't need to be in a sunny mood all the time, or at all, to talk to me. Give them holy heck if you need to get it out of your system. I think they do their best, but to protect themselves I think that sometimes people become numbers, and we have to occasionally make sure that they are 'seeing' the person. Be memorable, connect, because no matter how professional if you are seen as a person not a number you are harder to put in their professional mental box. Being your advocate is not a bad thing! I was a relentless polite pain in the rear, insisting and pushing, and I'm happy that I took that approach. Trust but reify. If they say they will do something, check they have and if you want something chase and chase and chase....You are doing great, being pissed is totally allowed...! 

  • Ahhhhh if you were here I would give you the biggest hug right now haha. Ive calmed down and reading your post this is the best approach. I know they are so good and they have been brilliant this whoJoy time. A just get so annoyed when things don’t go my way. Haha. I’ll let you know how it goes (unless you can hear my screaming from where ever you are haha)