Apart from still being physically numb on my left side, I’ve been very numb to the news about my cancer spreading. Over the last week, that numbness has turned into anger.
I’ve been running through everything with fine detail and I’m now foaming that I was left for 3 months with no treatment or scans from not finishing my IV chemo to starting my new treatment. I keep thinking would this have made a difference of me not getting secondary cancer if I had been started on new treatment sooner. My surgery was delayed when my oncologist didn’t go to an MDT meeting, then new treatment was delays after surgery again because oncologist missed the MDT. What the fuck. She’s getting the brunt of my anger as you can probs tell today. I also can’t get out of my head a comment the breast nurse made saying I wouldn’t be allowed any surgery while I was on chemo. Well, that’s going to be for life now which is a problem to me. I begged them to do a double mastectomy at the time of my surgery and now I’m left all lop sided. No reconstruction or further mastectomy. It’s all chewing me up. I was never really bothered or noticed a week here or there, but now I’ve looked at it all on a whole its really pissed me off. I feel like my oncologist actually doesn’t give a shit. They are very good at telling me how bad my cancer is but looking at their actions, they aren’t reflecting that with any urgency. The last review was done at the chemo ward and was done by the oncology day unit manager who is amazing by the way. I would rather just deal with her moving forward now I want to punch my actual oncologist really hard in the tit.
I’ve got a review today with my oncologist regarding my new treatment plan depending on the outcome of my last CT scan and pick up my chemo while I’m there. Then I’ve got a call with the genetics team to find out the results of my antics test.
While I’m there I’ll ask about my surgery and see if I can get a referral to my surgeon rather than listening to a great nurse off the cuff comment. If I make it through today without kicking off or crying it will be a miracle. Sorry in advance to anyone who crosses me today. I’m on the edge.
