In some ways I can't believe it will be a year soon, it does seem so long ago that you were here, but this last eleven months have had such an odd feel about them. It is all a bit Groundhog Dayish, every day passing but time not moving on. I do see that the rest of the world is carrying on, I just seem to be in a bubble of sadness watching it all but not being part of it. And although I am terrified of the anniversary, actually the idea of having to go through another year and then another is even worse.
I keep thinking that soon people are going to want me to stop talking about you. I try to always do it in a positive way, but I think it makes them feel awkward a lot of the time. It's just that after 19 years together I don't feel that I have ever been a 'grown up' without you. I feel a bit like a teenager that has gone out into the world for the first time. I'm not sure about the decisions I make, I'm not confident about my value any more - it was you that made me feel secure and that has gone now.
I know hun that I am making excuses all the time about not doing anything or going anywhere. I blame the dogs and tell people that I can't do an evening class, or join a club or whatever else they suggest because I can't leave them alone for that long, but it's not really true. I just have no enthusiasm for anything, anything at all.
I just have this feeling that it would be easier, that I would cope better if I just sold up and moved somewhere that I didn't know a single soul. Then there would be no constant reminders of what is missing.
I don't know hun, send me a sign would you.
I miss your style, your wit, your friendship and your love.
Judes xx
