I'm new to this...

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

11 Sep 2011

Hi :)

I've never blogged before - for any reason, so bear with me!

I joined this community because my amazing mum passed away on the 15th of August this year following a year long fight with cancer. She was initially diagnosed with bowel cancer, but it spread to her liver and became untreatable due to its position on her hepatic vein.

She never once let the cancer rule her life - she went through nearly 6 months of chemo before the doctors said there was no more they could do, and then lived life to the full for the last 5 months of her life. She accepted that this was the way it was going to be for her, and she stayed so positive and strong throughout the whole thing. I have never known anyone be so strong! She was a credit to my dad, my sister and me. She was the most perfect mum - the best anyone could ever ask for.

I've not really understood my feelings since she died. We had the funeral 11 days afterwards, and it was so amazing to see over 200 people come to pay their respects. I thought that the funeral would make all of my feelings come to a head, but since then I've found I still feel as though it's not real. I don't really understand why I don't seem to be falling to bits all the time - I definitely have my moments, but there seems to be some sort of block in my brain that stops me from really remembering that she won't be coming back. I keep wondering if this is normal??!!

I've been back at work for a week and a half now, and I think being busy is helping. The downside is working as a dietitian in a hospital means that I come face to face with cancer, and death, on a daily basis. I find that I struggle when I know one of my patients is close to dying - I can't stay on the wards because it hits me really hard. I hope that it becomes easier soon, but I guess only time will tell.

I haven't said everything now, I think I need more time to work out how to express my thoughts and feelings!

I have no idea if I've done this right - but its definitely helped me to be able to share - even if only one person reads this! Thank you :)

Bye for now

FormerMember over 13 years ago

Here's one that read it! Its normal. I didn't go to pieces or cry a lot to start with when my mum died. I think it its us at different times and in different ways..and it is such a big thing that it won't sink in or feel real for a long long time. It is still very early days and you will feel all kinds of things. hang on in there and whatever you feel is normal...

Big big hug to you

and well done for your first blog!!!

Little My xxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Here's another!

I agree..... death, grief, dealing with the surreal-ness of it all, we all do it differently, there is no wrong or right way.

It will go in stages, and in waves, and acknowledging each feeling or thought, however strong or vague, is important, it's healing.

Are you doubting yourself because you are not wringing your hands and wailing every day? Why should you? You just do what feels right for you - your mum sounds like she was a fabulous woman - level-headed, calm, wise - and I bet a lot of that has rubbed off on you ! Let the weirdness of everything take its own time with you.

Huge hugs

Ems xxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Deejay,

What you are going through is normal, the time will come when you will grieve, and thats when it will hurt. But you are on the right site for Help, Support, and Understanding .

Even if you want to talk there is always someone here only to willing to listen. May your Mum R.I.P. and you look after yourself.

Take care and be safe Big Hugs Love Sarsfield.xx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Deejay,

Well you've now got replies from three stalwarts of this website, some of the many nice, kind, helpful and supportive folk who often post here.

Your Mum sounds such a lovely lady & clearly an awful lot of other people felt that way about her too. Whichever way your emotions lead you, don't be scared of them, grief takes some strange turnings. "Expect the unexpected" is probably the best advice I can give you, but hang in there, you're not alone.

Love & hugs,

Annie.
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

There is no right or wrong way to feel, but I found that there was a lot of outside pressure and expectation. Ignore it, if you can. Your emotions will sort themselves out in time. Grief is natural, so is shock, so is numbness, so is the sense of disbelief. In time, the day comes when you realise you haven't thought about it at all today and you're shocked at yourself. That's natural too.

I'm sorry for your loss, and sending love and hugs.

Hilary

xx
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