I'm pretty much in a good place in my head regarding my cancer and where I am up to on that so called journey. Then my Onc. appointment appears on the calendar for February and the little doubts and niggles start in my head grrrrrr.
When I was diagnosed I asked straight for a statistic for survival, 60%. I'd rather it been a bit more but at least it was the upper side of 50 eh, so not complaining.
Mr tumour was a T3N2M0 and again i'd rather it been below the 3 and not too happy with the node involvement, but not compaining it could have been worse eh.
Ended up with a permanent stoma which wasn't easy to come to terms with at first but wasn't too much of an issue, 'cos I saw it as my life saver so I must respect and look after it well.
Pity that my radiotherapy zapped my small bowel, so I have permanent diarrehea with the need for loperamide daily. But again that same radiotherapy zapped 'shitface' to a crisp and good riddance for good (i hope).
I'm now two years on and getting on with enjoying life and to be honest the dark places in my head are buried. Lifes good and I have a wonderful family with exciting things to come. For one my daughter is getting married next year and my will have finished his degree. It's lovely to see them starting out in life as grownups.
So why am I feeling uneasy now i've come home from my appointment. They say I have my last CT scan in November and a further three years of six monthly appointments just to check i'm feelig OK. I expressed that I felt uneasy about not having any more scans 'cos of the fear of cancer returning. She saind the highest risk was in the first two years, so once i'm past November, i am at a lower risk. I'm now feeling like a time bomb that might go off before November but also worried about the following years without scans.
I know some of you out there have already gone past this stage so hope you may share your experiences and thoughts with me.
I must mention my dear Dad now. It's been much harder today coming home and ringing mums. He normally speaks to me after all my appointments and was a real comfort. He said the right things and when I called he gave me lovely dad cuddles. I miss him so much but especially feel it today and have cried buckets whilst hoovering to try and distract my silly thoughts.
If you read this, thanks for putting up with the woffle, i'll be back to normal warpiness shortly,
Take care all
love
Jan xx
