Time Goes By

It has been just over a month since my mum was taken away from her family that needs her so much. I arranged the funeral and it kept me focussed. It was a fitting tribute to a lovely lady and the crematorium was packed, so many people attended that people had to stand. It was awful to have to say goodbye. We then burried my mum's ashes and this was a peaceful moment in a special woodland. My mum, like many other people had been secretly storing money away! We needed to apply for probate and after I had spent days calling all the people you have to call when someone dies, at a time that is so painful, the CO-OP offered to come around and talk to us about probate! They wanted to charge us £4,000 to phone everyone I had already called, and to distribute the cash to my father! I decided as I had already done the hardest part, speaking the words 'my mum has died' several times, that I would see how hard it is to get probate. It cost me £93 and 15 minutes of time filling the forms in that you can find on the government website! How cruel people can be to prey on people who have been through the trauma of watching a loved one die. Now I have sorted and cleared I have been left with time to think and the reality that my precious mum has gone, and she is not going to pop back to say hello. My heart is so broken and I find myself spontaneously crying at the simple things but in the most inconvenient of places, supermarkets, restaurants, that kind of thing. I am finding it quite difficult to come to terms with. I have nightmares, I dream that I cannot stop crying and never will, then I wake up exhausted and then I am very emotional which makes the crying worse! I do have faith and I do believe that there is something else and that we all meet up again, but even that is not helping me as I am missing her now and cannot ever imagine a time during the rest of my existence that I will ever not miss or need her and she will never be able to be here for me again. I have started question myself, did I do all I could for her whilst she was ill, did I visit enough, should I have not let her go on the shyringe driver, would she have lived longer if we had kept trying to force her medication down rather than opt for the shyringe driver, she did not have many lucid moments during the last couple of weeks, the calcium had effected her brain and she thought we were trying to kill her with tablets, when she was not lucid. I just wish she could come back and we could have one more hug. I will never get enough hugs. I had always banked on her being around.