So today - for the first time - I really want to cry.
Ok, so I have breast cancer. We cut it off and blast the
body with chemo and radiotherapy and maybe hormones and all will be well. Some
people don't get so tired on chemo or sick they can keep working. This is what
I want. To keep functioning.
I am training to be a nurse – and I will be a really good
nurse. Therefore, I should be exempt from this evil thing and also I just have
not got time for all this.
And look, I can 'belong' to another group of really nice
people - the ones on here. So I come online, make a few jokes, am the same as
always, feisty and stubborn. Loosing hair isn't so bad, hair is overrated
anyway.
But at the same time I am paranoid. I cough, so it's in the
lungs now, too. My thumb hurts - so of course it must be in the bones. Never
mind, I just need to live for five more years (then myyoungest is eighteen) for the children, then
they'll be able to cope with losing two parents to cancer.
And now I read about people putting on lots of weight (I
thought you LOST weight with cancer - not that I want to, I am really happy
with my weight), losing nails, and this is when I go to pieces.
I am a Christian, so God is my strength. And really, I would
die right now to the world if it wasn't for my children. It's so bloody unfair
on them. They don't deserve this. I just want it all to go away.
I really hate wallowing in self-pity, too. So now I've got myself a cup of coffee. I will finish writing an assignment for uni and hand it in. I'll find people to be with - I am ok when I am with people; I can play the part of superwoman then - that makes me and them believe in that I really will win this, and that is what I need.
FormerMember
Hi Congenial.You will win this because you are so positive.Good luck with your training.Hugs xxx
Yesterday was soooo much better again, no wallowing at all and I met my 'proper' breast care nurse who is fantastic. I had a uni friend with me and we almost had a revision session. She answered almost all my questions there and then and the two she didn't know she found out and rang me with the answers.
