I visited you 2 days ago and you seemed so well...quite set on coming home once the hospital discharged you....though only 2 days previously you had quite firmly told Mom you wanted to go into a Nursing Home as you refused to have us 'running round' looking after you. Your mind was quite set she told me. However, when I visited 2 days later you had no recall of that conversation and were determined to return home. Tonight when I visited you were so unwell, high temperature and shaking so much even trying to pick up a beaker of water. Infection they said....but had no idea of where or when nor did they appear to be treating it until I pointed it out. Looking at you tonight so ill and tearful I wondered if you are ever going to make a discharge to anywhere sigh. It's torture - one day you look pretty much 'back to normal' then just a couple of days later you look on 'death's door' if you will excuse the inappropriate term. It's so hard....trying to come to terms with believing you're dying....then you're apparently not....then you are again....every day brings a new emotional turmoil. We're still waiting to hear from the feckin' Consultant about some kind of timescale or plan....nearly 3 weeks you've been in that pathetic place they call a hospital. But then....it is difficult I suppose when you are going up and down so drastically. They told me it's 'too soon' for a Hospice and you are not at 'that stage' yet - but does 'that stage' come with a notice period I wonder?! The way you looked tonight you certainly did not seem well. Then there's the confusion....Monday you were pretty much clear headed and tonight you couldn't remember what day or time it was 5 minutes after asking me. That will be the infection I suppose. But even without it you only seem to have a 24 - 48 hour recall and you were such an organised, planning type of man before you went into hospital....though I suspect there's 'something more' to it than that sigh. Your little notebook belies how aware you are of that - it's become like your bible and you write everything in it so carefully....as soon as I tell you anything...like the fact it's half term now....you grasp desperately for your notebook to write it in. I guess that's because you're aware of the memory issue huh? It must be awful for you....always being so in charge and aware of things and now you even have to write down when we are visiting so you don't forget. Even tonight when you were so ill you're hands were shaking violently you insisted on trying to start a 'rota' for me and Mum's visits next week.....except when you were trying to write 3.30pm halfway through you got really confused and asked if it was my phone number you were writing down.
In one way I dread that this infection might be the 'end' of things....but then you are begging us all to let you die and telling me you don't want to live any longer so what should I hope for? You always said pneumonia was "an old man's best friend" and that is what I fear might be happening now. Do you want to fight it and try and get home Dad or is it a lost cause already....is there really any hope of you coming home anyway...? I don't even know what to wish for anymore Dad but it's slowly killing me seeing you lying there day after day....all those bloody lonely hours stuck there....so far away from us that it makes visiting a mission in itself. In your more lucid moments I know you understand but then at times like tonight when you say "I miss you so much when you're not here" it makes me feel so sad and guilty. If I could be there more Dad I would and I'm so sorry.....sorry you're there and sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it....but then who does...?
Good night Dad - I love you so much and I wish I could just make all of this go away XXX
