Not coping without you....

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

12 Apr 2012

I am just back from the Casualty Department...it's the same Hospital where you are still lying in the morgue - what a cruel and awful thought. I have a chest infection (I think) and lay in bed unable to sleep and with a growing inability to breathe. At 2.45am I gave up to the growing fear that I had pneumonia and was going to die and off I took myself. Nobody really there but still waited ages to be seen. Started to get pins and needles round my face, mouth, hands and feet. The Nurse took me to Triage - blood pressure fine, oxygen levels fine, temperature normal.

A panic attack. How absolutely pathetic of me.

They were very nice and suggested I wait to see a Dr who might be able to give me a nebuliser but my breathing slowly became bearable (in the 1.5hrs I was waiting). In the end I decided to give up and go home....didn't look like I was about to die before my GP opens in the morning. Of course, I started crying - again.

I'm falling to pieces. I really don't think I can cope with this. It's only been 2 days since you died...how am I going to live the rest of my life like this?

I haven't really slept for ages either and I think I am slowly going insane.

Good job my daughter is staying with her Father for a few days...I can't look after myself at the moment let alone her...sigh.

I know you would hate to see me like this but I simply don't know how to pull myself together. Me, Miss Capable - totally not coping with this at all.

Please Daddy, find a way to help me - I don't think I can do this without your help...I love you and miss you so much and I can't stop crying. Oh my Daddy.

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FormerMember over 12 years ago

oh Sparklestars, you poor, poor girl.

You're NOT pathetic. It has only been 2 days: of course you're going to feel terrible. IT IS ALLOWED. Maybe even necessary. 100% natural.

Be kind to yourself: it's an awful, awful time and you're just being human.

It won't always be this agonising and raw.

Extreme grief maybe is a kind of insanity. The price we pay for loving another human being? I don't know.

Hang in there.

Lots of love and BIG cuddles from your new 'sister'

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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Thank you so much Su for reaching out to me in this wilderness - you are so right, it is an "awful, awful time"....so unpredictable....I am used to be in control and calm - I find this emotional rollercoaster so hard to handle. I do so hope you're right and that it won't always feel like this....but at the moment the horizon looks so bleak. I am going to the Doctors this afternoon I hope. Something to ease my sore chest which is raw from coughing and crying but more importantly I think something to help me sleep maybe.....just for a few days....maybe the sleep loss is making it all harder to handle.

I am really grateful for you taking the time and effort to read and reply to my desperate ramblings....the early hours of the morning are so hard to handle when you can't sleep. I hope you are doing okay....?

Lots of love and hugs back to you

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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Sparkes you are not pathetic and a panic attack is not so surprising is it really.

Hope the doc helps with the poorly chest but as put in previous response to last blog entry, medication for sleeping probably will not help much although a mild anti-depressant may help calm down the emotional rollercoaster feeling.

Everything is going to feel like it needs a superhuman effort to do it and you will feel continually under pressure for quite a while. Ask daughter's father if he could let her stay a while longer if you think it will help you but I think having her home may help you more. You will cope, badly at first admittedly, but you will manage as the alternative is...

...well there is no alternative is there? Take things slowly, rest often (cat naps are needed at frequent intervals due to lack of night time sleep), be kind to yourself and lean on some friends who will be there like a shot if you ask them to be. If you don't let them know you need help they will stay out of the way because they will assume you are wanting privacy at this awfully sad time.

Always here for you.

Much love and big hugs,

Nin xxxx
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