Crying Tonight....

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

12 Apr 2012

So now it's just over 48 hours since you left....I struggle to write 'died'....and I am living in a world I no longer recognise. I trail along for some time managing to cope - then I 'crash' without warning. I came across some photos of you today which I hadn't expected to see - crash. I watched a short video clip of us with Mom and my daughter on a day out about 3 years ago....such a happy, fun day - crash. A glimpse of you when you had just passed over flashed into my head without warning or wanting to see it - crash. Sleep is elusive, I manage a few hours here and there.

I did really well this morning and got to the Undertakers and made most of the plans for your day and spoke to the Coroner's Office. Then round to Moms to sort out some stuff for her - which is where I came across the photos and went back into meltdown.

I'm crying again now....I fear I always will be....how on earth will I ever be able to think or say "My Dad is dead" without tears...? There's just me, my daughter and Mom now....it feels so odd and wrong to have one of us missing. I've said "I miss you Daddy" so many times today.

Suddenly I have become 'responsible' not just for running my own home and life but I have - as we knew I would - become responsible for my Mother and your home and absolutely everything to do with that. As we knew, she does nothing and never will so it will all be down to me won't it? The weight of it all is crushing me - as if the grief alone wasn't enough to bear I have all the added angst of hearing that this needs sorting, that needs doing and so on. Just what I need on top of being a single working Mom to a 5 year old as it is....and trying to cope with losing you....forever.

I just cannot believe you are dead. You are one of the main foundations my world was balanced on and now it's been pulled out from under me. I do so hope you are 'somewhere' else and happy. That's what I said to you when you were going "Don't worry - you're not going anywhere that we won't all be coming to one day. You're just going a bit before us, so wait for us there and come to meet us when it's time". I don't know if you heard me or understood me but I desperately hope I was right.....I do wish I could 'feel' really positive of that or sense you strongly out there. But perhaps I am too much in turmoil at the moment to hear or feel anything.

I don't know if or when I will ever feel a moment of real happiness again....my feelings at the moment mostly consist of only two states of being: Crying or Trying not to Cry. You told me not to be sad or cry when you died - but you never told me how to do that....

Goodnight my Daddy, I love you and miss you so much.

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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Sparkles all these emotions are normal - they honestly are. Doesn't your Mom have a close friend who could be helping you with all the 'practical' issues that need to be dealt with. All of this landing on your grieving shoulders is much too much of a burden to carry. If not then you really must tell Mom that she needs to do her share too, regardless of whether she wants to or not. Do not let her rely on you for everything as you will never escape this role and resentment will set in very quickly no matter how much you love her.

I force myself to leave things for Mumsy to do. It takes an inordernate amount of strength to do this as I just want to wrap her up and protect her from everything but it is a necessity.

We are a month down the line from losing Gordy and yes the word 'died' is far too difficult to utter even now but I have managed it a couple of times, admittedly breaking down when I did so. The crying game - well it differs for everyone. Mumsy and me cry copiously, one of my brothers cries quite a bit and the one that lives in Dubai, I think I saw him shed a tear only once but I know he cries when he is on his own because he phoned us in tears one night when he was alone.

Grieving is such a personal journey and we all react and deal with it differently so there really is no right or wrong way to do it.

Two days is no time at all and just a little warning, even with some medication I doubt that you are going to get very much sleep for quite a while. I'm managing about 4 hours a night with cat naps on the sofa to help out.

Writing your blog will help get some of the raw emotion out so don't hold back and let it flow if it's helping you.

Sending you massive squidgy hugs and much love,

Nin xxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Thank you dear Nin for looking in on me when I know you have your own weight of grief to carry - it's very kind of you. Unfortunately Mom is one of life's 'dependents' - always plays the 'helpless' card...Dad knew it much as it irritated him. I could insist she does stuff....but she will just make sure she asks me how to do every single thing every step of the way until actually I am virtually doing it myself anyway by proxy. Or she will just make a total mess of it by not really trying to do it properly. I wish there was someone else although she does have some friends, but not ones who would 'do' things really. I agree with you though....it is too bloomin' much for me to be doing all that as well sigh.

I am glad you are close to your Mom though and it sounds like you can cry together....which I imagine is something of a comfort. Also that you have your brothers (I am an only child) which again I imagine helps....though I realise one of them lives very far away. Thank you for allowing me a glimpse of how things will probably be a month from now - it helps to have some idea. You are right with the sleep - I did get some low dosage sleeping tablets but actually they only made any difference on the first night and none after that.

Sending love and kind thoughts to you Nin XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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