So now it's just over 48 hours since you left....I struggle to write 'died'....and I am living in a world I no longer recognise. I trail along for some time managing to cope - then I 'crash' without warning. I came across some photos of you today which I hadn't expected to see - crash. I watched a short video clip of us with Mom and my daughter on a day out about 3 years ago....such a happy, fun day - crash. A glimpse of you when you had just passed over flashed into my head without warning or wanting to see it - crash. Sleep is elusive, I manage a few hours here and there.
I did really well this morning and got to the Undertakers and made most of the plans for your day and spoke to the Coroner's Office. Then round to Moms to sort out some stuff for her - which is where I came across the photos and went back into meltdown.
I'm crying again now....I fear I always will be....how on earth will I ever be able to think or say "My Dad is dead" without tears...? There's just me, my daughter and Mom now....it feels so odd and wrong to have one of us missing. I've said "I miss you Daddy" so many times today.
Suddenly I have become 'responsible' not just for running my own home and life but I have - as we knew I would - become responsible for my Mother and your home and absolutely everything to do with that. As we knew, she does nothing and never will so it will all be down to me won't it? The weight of it all is crushing me - as if the grief alone wasn't enough to bear I have all the added angst of hearing that this needs sorting, that needs doing and so on. Just what I need on top of being a single working Mom to a 5 year old as it is....and trying to cope with losing you....forever.
I just cannot believe you are dead. You are one of the main foundations my world was balanced on and now it's been pulled out from under me. I do so hope you are 'somewhere' else and happy. That's what I said to you when you were going "Don't worry - you're not going anywhere that we won't all be coming to one day. You're just going a bit before us, so wait for us there and come to meet us when it's time". I don't know if you heard me or understood me but I desperately hope I was right.....I do wish I could 'feel' really positive of that or sense you strongly out there. But perhaps I am too much in turmoil at the moment to hear or feel anything.
I don't know if or when I will ever feel a moment of real happiness again....my feelings at the moment mostly consist of only two states of being: Crying or Trying not to Cry. You told me not to be sad or cry when you died - but you never told me how to do that....
Goodnight my Daddy, I love you and miss you so much.
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