Anger and Tears....

sparklestars;

Hey you. Been thinking a lot about you the last couple of days. Wish you weren't in such pain. Glad to see you're able to write down your feelings at least. You have too much grief to be able to feel any other emotions, I imagine.

Did your doctor help at all, either with your chest or with antidepressants/sleeping pills?

Big hugs: maybe not much help but people ARE thinking about you and wishing you well.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Su - thank you for looking in and yes indeed it does help to feel someone, somewhere is thinking about me....so thank you for that too.  The Doctor did give me antibiotics for chest infection which have helped slightly but seem to be taking a while.  Also gave me 'low dosage' sleeping tablets which helped on the first night but not the last 2 nights.  Strangely though I don't even really feel that 'tired' but perhaps I am and just don't realise it.  I hope you are doing okay? xxxx

Nic - thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry as I realise it's not that clear from the title of my blog (which was started when Dad was still alive) but unfortunately he left us on Monday night so now I have to learn to live with that....somehow.  It does help to write here as there is nowhere else or noone else with whom to let these feelings out.  xxxx

sparklestars

This site is a godsend,  being able to say whatever you feel: nobody judges you and it really doesn't matter how much you think you are ranting on. It's just not possible to have this kind of 'conversation' back in the real  3d world: everybody wants to give you advice ar say they know exactly what you're going through when we are all SO different and our family relationships are too.

You will find your way eventually through your grief: don't expect too much or even anything of yourself just yet. It's all so new and raw and probably doesn't feel quite real. You're in a new world and you have been changed by your experience. It will take time, lots and lots of time, but that's a ridiculous thing to say when you're on the wrong end of the time telescope. It's MUCH easier for me cos I'm 5 months further on: I am actually surprised at how much time HAS gone by.

Keep being honest with yourself: don't bottle up your pain because here you don't have to. Love your little girl. She will be a bit confused, I imagine. It might make you feel a little better to hug her.

Remember, you're not alone. It sucks. It will continue to suck. Lots.

lots of love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sparkles this is probably as bad as it gets.  The dark place, the anger, feeling like stone, wishing you had gone too, feeling like you have nothing left to give anyone else - again all very normal.  I think you will find it helps you a great deal to have your daughter back with you.  Being on your own is the worst place to be too (although I do accept some people prefer this when grieving).  She will be the reason for getting on with things, although it will be difficult. 

Keep writing your blog - it helps get all the negative emotion out I promise you and it is something of a relief.

Nobody here will judge you or anything you say.  We will, if we can, give you all the help, support and love we can.

Big squidgy hugs and much love,

Nin xxxxx

Thank you Nic, Su and Min for taking the time to respond to my grief. 

In a way Nic I think you were 'lucky' (if that is the right word!) for the anger hitting first....it is one of the emotions I have always most struggled with.  I hate being angry as I never know what to 'do' with it or how to process it....well without doing anything that ends up in me being arrested that is!  Thank you for your condolences and I do wish I could feel my Dad "with me" but at the moment all I can feel acutely is his loss....with no sense of him still being with me.  I hope that perhaps it is just too soon and that when the emotions calm down a bit perhaps I will have the peace of mind to feel this.

Su thank you for your thoughts and it does help to hear from people at different stages of this experience and to know that it does change as time goes on....in some ways I do wish I could 'fast forward' but then I think I 'owe' my Father the honour of grieving this time for him too in a strange way.  You are very right that it does help greatly to have this place to 'let it all out' which indeed it's not really possible to do in 'the real world'....I would be too busy there trying to put on 'a brave face'. 

Min thank you also for still taking the time to write in the midst of your own grief.  You are right I hope - perhaps yesterday (it is one day later now) is "as bad as it gets"....not that it will be the last time I feel like that, but I don't imagine I could really feel much worse than that.  I am thankful that it faded in intensity somewhat as the day went on and today I woke up feeling much less lost.  My daughter will come home tonight but I'm pretty sure she's fairly unphased by it all....in a typical 5 year old way!

Thanks again to all of you and I hope today finds you all in a good place. xxx