...well let's face it, it couldn't be any worse than yesterday could it? I was thankful to wake up without that 'shock' feeling or just overwhelming darkness. I woke feeling as near to 'normal' as I have been for a long, long time. There have been moments throughout the day when the tears have welled....but for the most part I have managed to blink them away. I'm not seeking to deny my grief but in the moments when I am able to control it then I prefer to do so - as there are so many moments when I cannot. Perhaps my mind has simply decided to allow itself a day's respite. After all....this grieving has been going on since you first told me you knew you were dying in mid January....before you were first admitted to Hospital on January 26th 2012.
I wasn't sure whether to write anything in here today - but decided on reflection I also wanted you to know that there were days when I felt I would get through this...and not just the days when I knew I couldn't. Also, one day, there might be someone I wish to share this with....someone who I want to understand how this has been for me. Also, there might be someone one day reading this who is on the same journey and feels as desperate as I have done. I would like them to have the knowledge that grief and pain waxes and wanes....it's not linear and nor does it follow any predictable pattern. I am listening to the theme music from the film 'The Piano' whilst writing this as I feel it matches my frame of mind right now....not quite sure why.
I took Mom for a coffee today but she is not feeling well so we didn't stay out too long. I booked the pub where we will go to do whatever people do after a funeral....a local one so not far to go. There's a good 30 or 40 people going which is pretty impressive as quite often when people get older they do lose contact with so many friends a family. Lots of your neighbours and also the men you went to school and played football with - the ones you started having six monthly reunion meetings with a few years back. I think I will feel fairly sad seeing them all as they are your age too and knowing they are still here and you are not....no doubt they will be telling me stories about you that I don't know....as people do in situations like this. I am not looking at all forward to that day - who would. My daughter's Father is coming though and he and I are friends again....which I know would make you happy....you always thought we should be together for my daughter's sake. I know you tried to say his name a couple of times near the end - I don't know what you were trying to tell me as you couldn't talk by then....probably to tell him to look after me if I know you.....you always thought that if I were married or had 'a man to look after me' things would be alright...not necessarily the case, but I realise that is something your generation believed strongly in. He is not a bad man and at the moment I do feel very lost and alone and for now....perhaps just for now...he does give me some small feeling of safety. Perhaps, for now, that is enough.
My daughter returns tonight which for sure you will be happy about. That is the one thing I know that made you desperate to live....to see her...you adored her....unfailingly your face lit up when you saw her. Now the tears are coming - as I think of how much you worshipped her and how short a time you had with her. No fair. Why did I leave it so late to have her? I had no idea of how much she would light up your life Dad....no idea of how thrilled you would be....what a difference she would make to all our lives. Just last year at 82 years old you were there chasing her round the garden or up and down the room or kicking a football round with her - the neighbours were always amazed how you managed knowing how ill you were.....but you were determined to soak up every single moment and every single experience you could with the little 5 year old girl that you loved so very much. I should though be thankful you got to meet her at all I know....many much younger grandparents don't. But no time would ever be enough would it....?
I love you none the less my Daddy but I am thankful for today where the pain is a little less consuming - but I don't miss you any less.
XXX
