Macmillan Online Community

2 minute read time.

16 Mar 2013

My husband is dying - how cold that sounds... soon I will be a widow and with a 92 year old mother who is not healthy, I may lose my husband and mother in a year..and there is the 'I' word because it is not just about how I feel, but also how my children feel. One of them is almost hysterical and has taken time off work to be with my husband and I, the other two are quieter but just as deeply affected about losing their father. The trouble is they cannot understand the very traumatic outpourings from their sister - whilst I have to ask them to understand everyone handles a situation like this differently. Thankfully our local hospice has offered all three of my children counselling, so I do hope they take them up on that. I have had to ask for a night on my own as my children were taking it in terms to stay overnight, and my daughter was very upset, saying she would be worrying about me and how selfish it was to - in her mind - exclude her from being with us, but I just wanted some me and him time, just the two of us, which I have tonight.

My husband is not eating at all, and drinking very little. He sleeps most of the day, and only wakes for a very short time. He is now in a hospital bed and is visited by the hospice palliative care nurses, district nurses and a carer. He is getting weaker and the synovial sarcoma which is in the abdomen is so large he looks as though he is pregnant with quads... and it is causing him great discomfort.

So how do we cope, selfishly not about him, but about us, me and our children... what can we do and how do we get through this nightmare. Each day may be his last, how do we know when the time comes, and what shall we do without him.

It is like being a voyeur, waiting and watching for someone to die, it is so wrong, it it not fair... I know every family feels like that, but right now it is about us, it is about my husband and I am holding on by a thread. Everyone thinks I am being brave, but I am autopilot, I appear calm, and some little part of me still does not believe nor accept the facts that I am going to lose my husband.

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Oh how my heart hurts for you and your family. My mum sister brother and I went through the same as you are going through now with my Dad and bowel cancer. As each day passed and he got weaker and stopped eating it was torture. I do not know how long you will have to face these dark days I do know that you will bear the pain and you will cope because of your love, you will because you have to be strong for him as well, because he has to leave you and he doesn't want to and when he goes you will want him to know you will be ok. I wish I could tell you the pain will ease but I can't lie to you, I was very much like your daughter who wants to be with her dad all the time it is so hard for you all. I pray that your husband has a peaceful passing and that you and your family are also given help and support to cope with your pain.i have tears streaming down my face as I am sending you this message as I wish I was close enough to give you a hug. Take good care of yourself and be strong. X
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FormerMember over 12 years ago
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

I'm so sorry for your truly heartbreaking situation.

I'm sure your nurses will say when it is likely to be, they won't let you miss it I'm sure. If you read the 'end of life' section here, it may be upsetting but it is also comforting as it is screamingly accurate.

I found that the actual last few hours were calm, there were no black shadows in the room or screaming from any of us, it was calm and peaceful. It was obvious just by looking at dad that he was dying in front of our eyes, very obvious, i really don't think you'll miss it. It does give you an opportunity hold his hand, say I love you and goodbye and let him go on his way. You will get that chance.

With regards to your daughters, they will all deal with it differently, as will you. We are all individuals. As much as you are their mum, this is your husband and right now he is your priority. You are his wife and this is the time you need together. That is the most important thing now. Everything else can wait.

Don't be afraid of his passing, you will hopefully feel an overwhelming sense of relief, he is not suffering, he is out of pain and nothing (the cancer, oncologists, prognosis etc.) can hurt you now.

Take care xx
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