The story

I know we have to stay positive and I know I will beat this. But I feel so confused and lost, I have many supportive friends and family but why do I still feel so alone? It's not ok to really tell everyone what I'm thinking, because half of them are still in denial or only want to hear me being positive. I need to talk about my fears in order to be able to accept and battle this. I feel the more days that pass after my diagnosis the less my boyfriend wants to hear about my worries, it's like everyone just wants you to get on with it, and I will but I need someone to talk to or just someone to listen. I really think I'm going to ask for counselling, I feel like I'm in a nightmare, I need to wake up.

Helloooo

I've just joined this community for the same reason as you and from what i've seen so far, this is a great place to voice those fears.  You are not alone on here :).  A good friend of mine who was several months ahead of me in her cancer journey told me it was a journey only you can make, some friends won't be able to handle it and will fall by the wayside and  you will make new friends too.  And she hasn't been wrong!!  I was diagnosed with lymphoma end of October 2012 and I have one more chemo to go.  Some friends haven't been able to handle it and don't come near me, don't ask how I am or anything and these are the ones I thought would! Strangers have become new friends :) and truly seem to understand.  Fellow patients, nurses and doctors have been a shoulder to cry on, share experiences, how to deal with side effects etc.  The biggest surprise to me was my mother, who, well lets just say at the moment I need some space from her to concentrate on my recovery (long story).  I feel a few months on, my 'cancer' is old news now and boring for people to hear about.

I think everyone needs be able to talk things through, voice those fears, rejoice in the triumphs.  Another friends tells me not to worry about things before they happen and take one day and one appointment at a time, this too has served me well.  If you think counselling is for you, go for it, you know what is best for you :)  I feel confident in writing there are people on here who will listen and help you along this journey. Have a great weekend x

Hey :-) Thank you for commenting, was beginning to think no one wanted to chat on this either :-P I am really sorry to hear about your diagnosis but so happy for you that you are almost at the end! I only found out on the 29th of January and already I see what you mean with friends avoiding me or seeming bored of the " cancer girl". it really is a journey ill have to walk alone but I didn't think It would feel like this so soon after my diagnosis. I would have thought people would have given me more time to come to terms with it before they are sick of me going in and on. The best of it is, it's the only thing I want to talk about, I like being distracted with my friends mini dramas but I have so many thoughts buzzing through my mind that seem to duplicate the less I can share them. I even began emailing a girl that I was introduced to who had just had remission in October from Hodgkins Lymphoma, I think she's sick of me already, but then again why would she want to relive what happened to her and support someone else when she's trying to get her life on track. I do get it. Are you married? Or living with a partner? I worry of the effect this will have on my boyfriend too but unfortunately he isn't the type of guy that expresses his feelings so the conversation is never long and always ends the discussion the moment I begin with " Don't be silly, it's all going to be fine." He won't listen to my fears or entertain my worries, which is really frustrating! Makes me want to scream sometimes! I appreciate that he just wants me to be positive but in order for me to relax and feel safe I need to know he can handle it, I need him to be part of this journey and most of all I want to be sure that he is ok too. I especially feel guilty because soon he will probably have to pay all the house bills on his own and although he would never leave me wanting for anything at all and money is never an issue for him, I feel so guilty. I have always been independent and took care of myself, the thought of being a burden to others makes me uneasy, even if they are happy to help I still feel awful for inconveniencing them. Do you know even writing this I still can't believe it's going to happen, feel like I'm writing a book ( which by the length of this reply I guess I'm starting hahah) or talking about someone else. When did it become real for you? How are you feeling? X

Hiya ... hope you are having a good day.  I live with my partner in Switzerland, we are both english.  He's been here over 20 years and I've been here one year.  I started my new job last June and in the July started to get visual problems, couldn't put my finger on it, just something not right.  I now know that by the September my vision was down to just 25% and the 'eye' doctor sent me straight for a MRI.  So in answer to your question of when did it become real for me, ummm everything happened extremely quickly, once the MRI detected follicular lymphoma in my palate.  From there I was referred to the local hospital and had scans, biopsies and tests everyday for a week.  I went to the hospital everyday and on the wednesday, went for a PET scan  in the morning by 4 pm that same day was called in by the doctors and told it was in my stomach and bones and i would be having chemotherapy the next day.  I didn't go home but was put straight onto a ward.  It all seems surreal now.  I can only remember one thing about that week and that is saying to the english nurse, 'I didnt come to Switzerland to die!'  So back to the question I think it became real when I went up to the ward and the next day they started the chemotherapy.  I really didnt have much time to think about things.

My partner has never had to 'care' for anyone in his life.  He has no children either and so has only had to care for himself.  He is also claustrophobic and so in the beginning a very kind ex-pat took me under her wing and came to the hospital with me.  Neither of us speaks very good french but most of the doctors and a few nurses do.  My partner picks me up after the chemo sessions and came to the hospital last week when I ended up in Emergency for the day but he stays at home for the majority of my appointments.  It's easier for him and for me not to have to worry about him!!  He is my carer at home after the chemo sessions and has been very supportive.  It has brought us closer together.  He has moments of loneliness, frustration and now money is very tight as I haven't had an income since November (haven't worked long enough to get anything here).  

I have never been good at asking for help, but I have had to put that aside this time.  We have called on friends for lifts, neighbours for shopping, help with washing clothes etc.  while I was coping with the side effects in the beginning.  So dont be afraid to ask for help.  Ooo one thing I did do was ask my partner's mates to keep an eye on him for me and take him out, just to have a break.  I have a great friend who tells me not to worry about something that hasnt happened yet and to take one day and appointment at a time.  It's been great advice.  

Hoping I haven't bored you too much.  When does your treatment start and what are you having?