Feel so down today and wonder, as I have done so many times, why the Cancer Curse has struck. Life is so unfair - I look at John and cannot understand why he is suffering so much. The consultant has postponed for a week John's sixth - and last - chemo as side effects are taking their toll. Chemo should have been next week, will now be week after - John wanted this as he has been feeling so poorly. He is being sick, has no appetite and has, subsequently, lost even more weight.
We just want our lives back to the way they were before this dreadful disease blighted our lives - is that too much too ask? Just feel like I am falling to pieces with the stress of it all and keep imagining what John's funeral will be like. I am trying so hard to be positive - like our son Liam, who is brilliant - but I wake in the night and think dark thoughts, which make me cry so hard. We will never be free of this spectre, will always be haunted by this blight on our lives and wonder how much more we can take. I know that we have to keep fighting but I sometimes wish that I could go to sleep, and then wake to realise that all of it is a bad dream. I wish, I wish.
I really feel for you, and I am so sorry things have become so bad. It is a dreadful disease, and I know what you mean about thinking dark thought... they seem so uncontrollable don't they, and the seem to creep up on you too... or they do me anyway.
Keep as strong as you can, we are all here together.
Hello Angelus, I do know how you feel, went through the same when my dear Albert battled so bravely against bowel cancer from 2002 until 2004. It was so hard to watch him suffer and see his hopes dashed. He thought if he did what the Doctors said, he would have a chance. Had to watch my big strong man fade away into a shadow of himself. I cannot offer you much comfort, wish I could. I sense you are a lot younger than I am. I was 58 when I lost him. We wanted to buy a motor home and tour Britain when he retired but it never came to that. Accept all the support you can get. I was so grateful for lifts to the various hospitals he was in,when the bus service was so bad at the weekends. A year after he died I was diagnosed with breast cancer myself, and had to get through it alone. You know you have to, so you just get on with it. If you have family nearby you are extremely lucky. I live abroad, have my adult children, but no brothers or sisters or close family nearby. Take care.Janalena
I don't have anything different to offer, only to say that I read your blog and like the others wanted to offer support. I have secondary breast cancer and live far away from family so I've been going through it alone in one sense. But I've been amazed at the kindness of people and how much others want to help. I'm post chemo now though not cured and life is good again so don't give up hope. Try to enjoy what can be enjoyed, even the littleest things. Sending you love and blessings, Marly
Sadly, I too understand what you are going through. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but I can only say that in my case, after all the sleepless nights, and worry, I got a bit better at coping.
have you talked to your doctor about you? Mine is brilliant, always asks how I am? He did prescribe a mild sedative and antidepressant when I was at my worst, and, insisted that i saw him once a month. That really did help. Also, hasyour husband been offered the food supplements that are available on presscription. Mine has found they very good. The soups are quites tasty. Six cycles of chemo do seem to go on for ever. Do you have anything planned for when it is over? Although my husband is terminal, he just refuses to let the disease win.We plan for two months at a time round his three monthly check ups. As soon as he was over chemo, we took the granddchildren to lego land. Last month we went on a cruise, and we have another one booked for next month. In between we have planned visits to family, so the diary is very full. When we aren't away, we just enjoy being together, doing the garden, and day to day activities.
You have made this far, stay strongfor just a little longer, then enjoy life after chemo.
