Worry :(

My Cousin had his operation today to remove his lump, they took his thyroid and some glands just to make sure, just what they did with my mum when she first found her lump, but in her breast.. and so its been another day of waiting for news... another day of jumping everytime the phone rings, i know they cant tell us any more today, but i cant help but worry. I know my mums case was bad, and lots and lots of people survive cancer and we have to be positive but its still makes me feel sick everytime i think of it...... its like the big black cancer cloud is back lingering over our family again. My nan and grandad(my mums mum and dad and my cousins grandparents) look completly shattered and drawn with worry, they are 81 and 77, they have been through so much, i have no idea how it is to watch your daughter go through 8 years of fighting and to watch her slowly decline, and be completly helpless, it must be a parents worst nightmare.. i know my mum always said that the thing that upset her most was she knew she wouldnt be around to protect us, look after us.. she didnt want to leave us.... so anyway i dont know how much more they can take, my nans always had problems with her heart, and this extra worry cant do her any good... another worry. So we have to wait now for another 2 and bit weeks of more results.. more waiting. I guess all thats left to do it stay positive, keep that belief that everything will be alright, it will be alright, keeping looking to the future with hope. Talking about the future...this time next week il be packing my life up and moving to university and the more i think about it the more i think, this is going to be alot tougher than i imagined. I tried sorting out all the stuff in my room, a clear out and every thing i picked up reminded me of mum, everything i touched bought back a memory, and in the end i got rid of nothing, i didnt want to let go of anything.. i just made my self feel crap. This is only the start of my "new life" and yet i failed at the first hurdle. Is it wrong that i want to keep everything? Should i just grit my teeth and tell myself to stop being ridiculous, its a jumper that i bought with my mum... its not going to bring her back is it, get rid of it?? I have so many happy memories of my mum and me shopping together, just me and her, and thats what i think about everytime i look at my stuff.. i guess im afraid of forgetting some of the memories and maybe that one jumper will remind me of another happy memory.. but is that normal? Am i ever going to be able to let go of them? My dads mentioned getting rid of some of her stuff and i was horrified, we have a whole shed full of all her textiles stuff she used to spend hours doing, my dad said it had to go.. but i thought no way.. i told him to put it in storage until i have my own house.. is that weird? i know little bits of material wont bring her back, but its all ive got left of her, i want to treasure every little thing that i have left of my mum. Moving away also means moving away from the support of my family, it means leaving my mums grave... i go there whenever i need to talk and ramble on and on as if shes there and talking back, i always come away feeling better, i know she was there and listening.. and now i have to leave her. It means leaving the house full of memories of my mum, the comfort of my mums memory. I used to see uni as an escpae, escape from the hurt of what my dad was doing, escape from the worry of the family and now my cousin, escape from all the stuff i suddenly had to do around the house.. and in a way maybe this is my chance to be "normal" what ever that is, but am i going to get on the motorway and bamm forget everything?? Im not going to suddenly forget everything thats happening at home am i?? Im just going to have to deal with it on my own, in a strange city, with a bunch of strangers. I do know though that my mum was proud that i was going to uni, and when we went to look around she said she would love to think of me living there.. so that thought will keep me going.. i know ill be making my mum proud....