I wish there was a book on how to cope with grief, then id know what i was feeling is normal..and im not being pathetic.
Mum died last April, and instead of things getting easier, since christmas everyday has got harder and harder, every day i feel sadder and sadder..no one told me this was goin to happen. I think im only just beginning to realise what ive lost and that actually she is never going to come back.. i am never ever going to see my mum again. ive never had to contemplate the thought of never again before.. i cant get it straight in my head that this is it.. i dont understand the concept of never.. how can she be gone? how can that be it? this time last year she was alive, her body was alive, she loved me, she cared for me, i saw her everyday, she held me when i needed her, she laughed, she cried she was beautiful.. and now she`s gone?? all i have of my mum is a headstone and a patch of grass? how can my beautiful mum now be that? the realisation of life without her is now hitting, its been long enough now to have had times where ive really needed her, when i started uni, when i was stressing out over my exams, when things werent good with the rest of my family, when things seem bleak, before she could turn my biggest problem around, after i spoke to her nothing seemed a problem.. she got rid of all my fears.
ive also got really angry inside too, my aunts dont seem to care anymore, they said theyd always be there for me, yet i havet spoken/seen them since i dont know when.. my friends.. they dont even bother anymore, they seemed to think the day i burried her i would be alright, maybe it happens to all friends when u go away to different unis, but it just makes me feel even more alone.
I know i have to move on, i know i have to be positive, to think of the happy times and live my life as mum would have wanted, i know im dammed lucky just to be alive and healthy..i know i have a duty to enjoy my life, and i feel an idiot feeling like this because i know there are people alot worse of than me out there.... but im hurting, its not like ive given up, i worked hard throughout mums treatment to do well at school, ive got into a good uni and from the outside it looks like im getting on really well... but inside im hurting.. i miss my mum so much, and the realisations just keep going, she wont be here to see me graduate.. she wont be here to see the house ive just signed for, to meet my new friends, to tell her what results i got in my exams.. all the things she lived for...
i just wanted to write everything down to people who hopefully understand..my family dont talk about mum atall.. i dont want to feel sorry for myself.. i just want someone to understand, and i know on here lots of people do...
xxx
